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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Greatest Barrier Breakers In Sports

With Missouri defensive end Michael Sam becoming the first openly gay NFL prospect this week, Onion Sports examines athletes who have broken down the biggest barriers in sports.

  • Jackie Robinson: Became the first Dodger second baseman to win the MVP award in 1949
  • Kate Barber: In 1987, she became the NBA’s first female cheerleader
  • Alex Rodriguez: The first and only MLB player to take steroids
  • Jason Collins: Showed that a gay man could appear in the news cycle for a few days before never being heard from again
  • Flying Ebony: By winning the 1925 Kentucky Derby, at last prevailed against the rampant discrimination that has historically faced black horses
  • Mike Trout: With his upcoming announcement on February 17, the Los Angeles Angels star will become a major trailblazer for gay players in not only Major League Baseball, but all American sports leagues
  • Pete Carroll: Bravely defied narrow-minded regulations saying a coach can’t offer gifts to recruiting prospects
  • Danica Patrick: TBD
  • James Naismith: In 1891, became the first lifeform on earth to play basketball since the forgotten Tô-Uktül civilization in 26 million B.C.
  • Renee Richards: Made huge strides in transsexual rights after winning the right to play tennis as a woman, ultimately inspiring thousands of other men to have sexual reassignment surgery in order to gain an unfair advantage just as critics had predicted
  • Metta World Peace: Broke down barrier separating players from fans in order to punch fan

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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