Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of athletic competition.

  • 1955: New York Giants defensive coordinator Tom Landry murders a drifter and takes his hat
  • 1967: Bill Belichick gets his start with a breakthrough performance as an acting coach and technical advisor on Rosemary’s Baby
  • 1968: While serving as assistant coach for the Cincinnati Bengals, Bill Walsh invents the highly influential “West Coast offense” when he tells the players to assemble at the line of scrimmage horizontally instead of vertically
  • 1991: Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson somehow turns a bumbling, unathletic Michael Jordan into an NBA Finals MVP
  • 1993: After losing to the Cowboys 52-17 in Super Bowl XXVII, Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy manages to get all the way to the tunnel before bursting into tears
  • 1998: Montgomery High School hitting coach Tom Baldwin advises junior varsity third baseman Jeremy Silva to choke up on his bat a little more, and, wouldn’t you know it, he goes right out there and hits a double
  • 2004-2007: New York Yankees manager Joe Torre resists the urge to throttle Alex Rodriguez
  • 2011: After more than 60 years coaching the Nittany Lions, Joe Paterno departs Penn State, his legacy secure
  • 2012-2013: Erik Spoelstra remembers to start LeBron James in every game


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