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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of athletic competition.

  • 1955: New York Giants defensive coordinator Tom Landry murders a drifter and takes his hat
  • 1967: Bill Belichick gets his start with a breakthrough performance as an acting coach and technical advisor on Rosemary’s Baby
  • 1968: While serving as assistant coach for the Cincinnati Bengals, Bill Walsh invents the highly influential “West Coast offense” when he tells the players to assemble at the line of scrimmage horizontally instead of vertically
  • 1991: Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson somehow turns a bumbling, unathletic Michael Jordan into an NBA Finals MVP
  • 1993: After losing to the Cowboys 52-17 in Super Bowl XXVII, Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy manages to get all the way to the tunnel before bursting into tears
  • 1998: Montgomery High School hitting coach Tom Baldwin advises junior varsity third baseman Jeremy Silva to choke up on his bat a little more, and, wouldn’t you know it, he goes right out there and hits a double
  • 2004-2007: New York Yankees manager Joe Torre resists the urge to throttle Alex Rodriguez
  • 2011: After more than 60 years coaching the Nittany Lions, Joe Paterno departs Penn State, his legacy secure
  • 2012-2013: Erik Spoelstra remembers to start LeBron James in every game

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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