Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

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All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of athletic competition.

  • 1955: New York Giants defensive coordinator Tom Landry murders a drifter and takes his hat
  • 1967: Bill Belichick gets his start with a breakthrough performance as an acting coach and technical advisor on Rosemary’s Baby
  • 1968: While serving as assistant coach for the Cincinnati Bengals, Bill Walsh invents the highly influential “West Coast offense” when he tells the players to assemble at the line of scrimmage horizontally instead of vertically
  • 1991: Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson somehow turns a bumbling, unathletic Michael Jordan into an NBA Finals MVP
  • 1993: After losing to the Cowboys 52-17 in Super Bowl XXVII, Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy manages to get all the way to the tunnel before bursting into tears
  • 1998: Montgomery High School hitting coach Tom Baldwin advises junior varsity third baseman Jeremy Silva to choke up on his bat a little more, and, wouldn’t you know it, he goes right out there and hits a double
  • 2004-2007: New York Yankees manager Joe Torre resists the urge to throttle Alex Rodriguez
  • 2011: After more than 60 years coaching the Nittany Lions, Joe Paterno departs Penn State, his legacy secure
  • 2012-2013: Erik Spoelstra remembers to start LeBron James in every game
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