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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Greatest-Ever Olympic Moments

With the opening of the XXIX Summer Olympiad in Beijing, Onion Sports looks back on moments from the past that passed forever into legend:

490 B.C.: Pheidippides completes the first-ever marathon and incites centuries of Olympic challengers when he says "Beat that" as he drops dead on the ground

1936: Jessie Owens wins four gold medals at Hitler's Berlin Olympics, crediting his fantastic performance to something deep inside telling him to run like hell

1960: Ethiopian Abebe Bikila manages to win a gold in the marathon despite being barefoot, showing up a half-hour late, and having never run before in his life

1968: Though silver medalist Peter Norman sympathizes with Tommie Smith and John Carlos, he knows he'd look like an idiot if he joined in their black power salute

1972: Assassinations aside, not a bad Olympics

1984: Mary Lou Retton performs her entire gymnastics routine while on the cover of a box of Wheaties

1988: The Seoul Olympic opening ceremonies are quickly recognized as the best in history when they end in under 20 minutes

1992: When his hamstring snaps halfway through the 400 meter semifinal, Derek Redmond is helped across the finish line by his father, a majestic human image which, if you don't weep every time you see it, means you're a heartless asshole who should just die right now for all you're worth

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