Greatest-Ever Olympic Moments

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Greatest-Ever Olympic Moments

With the opening of the XXIX Summer Olympiad in Beijing, Onion Sports looks back on moments from the past that passed forever into legend:

490 B.C.: Pheidippides completes the first-ever marathon and incites centuries of Olympic challengers when he says "Beat that" as he drops dead on the ground

1936: Jessie Owens wins four gold medals at Hitler's Berlin Olympics, crediting his fantastic performance to something deep inside telling him to run like hell

1960: Ethiopian Abebe Bikila manages to win a gold in the marathon despite being barefoot, showing up a half-hour late, and having never run before in his life

1968: Though silver medalist Peter Norman sympathizes with Tommie Smith and John Carlos, he knows he'd look like an idiot if he joined in their black power salute

1972: Assassinations aside, not a bad Olympics

1984: Mary Lou Retton performs her entire gymnastics routine while on the cover of a box of Wheaties

1988: The Seoul Olympic opening ceremonies are quickly recognized as the best in history when they end in under 20 minutes

1992: When his hamstring snaps halfway through the 400 meter semifinal, Derek Redmond is helped across the finish line by his father, a majestic human image which, if you don't weep every time you see it, means you're a heartless asshole who should just die right now for all you're worth


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