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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Greatest-Ever Olympic Moments

With the opening of the XXIX Summer Olympiad in Beijing, Onion Sports looks back on moments from the past that passed forever into legend:

490 B.C.: Pheidippides completes the first-ever marathon and incites centuries of Olympic challengers when he says "Beat that" as he drops dead on the ground

1936: Jessie Owens wins four gold medals at Hitler's Berlin Olympics, crediting his fantastic performance to something deep inside telling him to run like hell

1960: Ethiopian Abebe Bikila manages to win a gold in the marathon despite being barefoot, showing up a half-hour late, and having never run before in his life

1968: Though silver medalist Peter Norman sympathizes with Tommie Smith and John Carlos, he knows he'd look like an idiot if he joined in their black power salute

1972: Assassinations aside, not a bad Olympics

1984: Mary Lou Retton performs her entire gymnastics routine while on the cover of a box of Wheaties

1988: The Seoul Olympic opening ceremonies are quickly recognized as the best in history when they end in under 20 minutes

1992: When his hamstring snaps halfway through the 400 meter semifinal, Derek Redmond is helped across the finish line by his father, a majestic human image which, if you don't weep every time you see it, means you're a heartless asshole who should just die right now for all you're worth

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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