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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Greatest Individual Super Bowl Performances

1967: Packers receiver Max McGee plays the entire Super Bowl, catching seven passes for 138 yards and two touchdowns despite being even drunker than the rest of the Packers

1975: Fran Tarkenton leads the Vikings to a 16-6 defeat in Super Bowl IX, notable considering what a worthless franchise the Vikings are

1982: Dwight Clark makes that catch in the corner of the end zone that ESPN shows all the time…. Wait, that wasn't the Super Bowl

1984: Marcus Allen gains 191 yards in 20 carries against the Redskins and still finds the energy to bring Al Davis' wife to screaming, rippling, trainer's-table-drenching orgasm three times during halftime

1987: Phil Simms completes 88 percent of his passes, including 11 in a row, in perhaps the greatest Super Bowl performance to still be really boring

1990: Jerry Rice catches 698 passes for 35,700 yards and 136 touchdowns

1997: Desmond Howard returns two kicks for touchdowns despite making the Heisman pose after each step

2006: Ben Roethlisberger throws nine more completions than anyone thought possible

2007: Prince

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