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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Greatest Masters Moments Of All Time

With the 2013 Masters underway, Onion Sports examines the most impressive feats in the history of the prestigious golf tournament.

  • 1934: Horton Smith becomes the first white man to win the prestigious golf tournament
  • 1960: Needing to birdie the final two holes to overtake the leader, Arnold Palmer succeeds in his quest to ensure no one will ever remember the name Ken Venturi
  • 1971: Charles Coody becomes the worst golfer ever to win the Masters, a record that stands to this day
  • 1986: “Quiet Please” sign holder Nick Potter keeps a raucous crowd at bay long enough for Nick Faldo to two-putt for par
  • 1988: CBS announcer Jim Nantz famously remarks that he would rather be watching any sport besides golf
  • 1996: Following a massive collapse that lost him the tournament title, Greg Norman correctly stated, “This is the only thing I’m ever going to be known for, isn’t it?”
  • 1999: John Daly breaks an Augusta National record by smoking an entire carton of cigarettes on the back nine
  • 2000: Sergio Garcia winds up and fucking hammers the ball, like, 400 yards
  • 2004: After years of failed attempts, Phil Mickelson finally proves that anything is possible if you have strong corporate sponsorships and close-to-unlimited chances
  • 2005: Tiger Woods’ chip shot at 16 lingers on the lip for eight minutes before he reluctantly taps in for par
  • 2012: A guy named Bubba wins

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