Greatest Masters Moments Of All Time

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Greatest Masters Moments Of All Time

With the 2013 Masters underway, Onion Sports examines the most impressive feats in the history of the prestigious golf tournament.

  • 1934: Horton Smith becomes the first white man to win the prestigious golf tournament
  • 1960: Needing to birdie the final two holes to overtake the leader, Arnold Palmer succeeds in his quest to ensure no one will ever remember the name Ken Venturi
  • 1971: Charles Coody becomes the worst golfer ever to win the Masters, a record that stands to this day
  • 1986: “Quiet Please” sign holder Nick Potter keeps a raucous crowd at bay long enough for Nick Faldo to two-putt for par
  • 1988: CBS announcer Jim Nantz famously remarks that he would rather be watching any sport besides golf
  • 1996: Following a massive collapse that lost him the tournament title, Greg Norman correctly stated, “This is the only thing I’m ever going to be known for, isn’t it?”
  • 1999: John Daly breaks an Augusta National record by smoking an entire carton of cigarettes on the back nine
  • 2000: Sergio Garcia winds up and fucking hammers the ball, like, 400 yards
  • 2004: After years of failed attempts, Phil Mickelson finally proves that anything is possible if you have strong corporate sponsorships and close-to-unlimited chances
  • 2005: Tiger Woods’ chip shot at 16 lingers on the lip for eight minutes before he reluctantly taps in for par
  • 2012: A guy named Bubba wins


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