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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Greatest Masters Moments Of All Time

With the 2013 Masters underway, Onion Sports examines the most impressive feats in the history of the prestigious golf tournament.

  • 1934: Horton Smith becomes the first white man to win the prestigious golf tournament
  • 1960: Needing to birdie the final two holes to overtake the leader, Arnold Palmer succeeds in his quest to ensure no one will ever remember the name Ken Venturi
  • 1971: Charles Coody becomes the worst golfer ever to win the Masters, a record that stands to this day
  • 1986: “Quiet Please” sign holder Nick Potter keeps a raucous crowd at bay long enough for Nick Faldo to two-putt for par
  • 1988: CBS announcer Jim Nantz famously remarks that he would rather be watching any sport besides golf
  • 1996: Following a massive collapse that lost him the tournament title, Greg Norman correctly stated, “This is the only thing I’m ever going to be known for, isn’t it?”
  • 1999: John Daly breaks an Augusta National record by smoking an entire carton of cigarettes on the back nine
  • 2000: Sergio Garcia winds up and fucking hammers the ball, like, 400 yards
  • 2004: After years of failed attempts, Phil Mickelson finally proves that anything is possible if you have strong corporate sponsorships and close-to-unlimited chances
  • 2005: Tiger Woods’ chip shot at 16 lingers on the lip for eight minutes before he reluctantly taps in for par
  • 2012: A guy named Bubba wins

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