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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Greatest Moments In Stanley Cup Finals History

With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, Onion Sports examines highlights from the 120-year-old NHL championship series.

  • 1893: A combined 458 spectators turn out to witness the Stanley Cup Finals in its first year, a record that stands to this day
  • 1950: The Red Wings defeat the Rangers in a Game 7 double-overtime thriller, disappointing hockey fans who resent wealthy Detroit spending lavishly on players unattainable by teams in smaller, poorer markets like New York City
  • 1970: After scoring the game-winning goal in the deciding game of the Stanley Cup, Boston Bruins defenseman Bobby Orr frustrates his competitors and teammates alike by forcing them to repeatedly pose for a perfect photo to commemorate the event
  • 1981: Though outscored 4-3 by the Flyers in Game 7, the Oilers take the game and the Cup in a controversial split decision from the judges
  • 1992: The Penguins win and leading goal scorer Mario Lemieux is crowned Lord Stanley for a second consecutive year
  • 1994: Suffering from a 54-year Stanley Cup drought, the Rangers become the first team in New York sports history to be somewhat palatable championship winners
  • 2001: After a 21-year career and over 1,800 games in the NHL, Ray Bourque finally lifts the Stanley Cup trophy for the first time and suddenly realizes he pretty much wasted his entire life
  • 2008: First televised Stanley Cup Finals
  • 2011: The Boston Bruins take off their helmets after their Game 7 win to reveal that they are all beautiful blonde women, forever ensuring gender equality in hockey

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