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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Greatest Moments Of Tony La Russa's Career

After winning his third World Series, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa has announced his retirement. We look back on a career that encompassed the steroid era, the moneyball craze, and a lot of irascibility.

  • 1991: Tony La Russa Baseball video game receives critical acclaim for its authentic simulation of standing in a dugout while displaying no emotion
  • 1992: Master strategist La Russa sets an MLB record by having nine consecutive A’s pitchers throw only one pitch before taking them out
  • 1995: Achieves enough confidence as a manager to no longer feel stupid wearing a full baseball uniform and a jacket at the same time
  • 1998: Aids Mark McGwire's run to 62 homers by looking other way while force-feeding him andro supplements
  • 2005: In proudest moment of his life, somehow avoids subpoena from Congress during steroid investigation
  • 2006: The Cardinals drastically improve once La Russa’s doctors tell him he’s too old to run onto the field between every pitch and physically adjust everyone’s position
  • 2007: Gets arrested for DUI to show players he's still cool and relatable
  • 2008: Stays up all night laughing maniacally after devising a batting lineup of all pitchers

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