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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Greatest Moments Of Tony La Russa's Career

After winning his third World Series, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa has announced his retirement. We look back on a career that encompassed the steroid era, the moneyball craze, and a lot of irascibility.

  • 1991: Tony La Russa Baseball video game receives critical acclaim for its authentic simulation of standing in a dugout while displaying no emotion
  • 1992: Master strategist La Russa sets an MLB record by having nine consecutive A’s pitchers throw only one pitch before taking them out
  • 1995: Achieves enough confidence as a manager to no longer feel stupid wearing a full baseball uniform and a jacket at the same time
  • 1998: Aids Mark McGwire's run to 62 homers by looking other way while force-feeding him andro supplements
  • 2005: In proudest moment of his life, somehow avoids subpoena from Congress during steroid investigation
  • 2006: The Cardinals drastically improve once La Russa’s doctors tell him he’s too old to run onto the field between every pitch and physically adjust everyone’s position
  • 2007: Gets arrested for DUI to show players he's still cool and relatable
  • 2008: Stays up all night laughing maniacally after devising a batting lineup of all pitchers

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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