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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Greatest Moments Of Tony La Russa's Career

After winning his third World Series, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa has announced his retirement. We look back on a career that encompassed the steroid era, the moneyball craze, and a lot of irascibility.

  • 1991: Tony La Russa Baseball video game receives critical acclaim for its authentic simulation of standing in a dugout while displaying no emotion
  • 1992: Master strategist La Russa sets an MLB record by having nine consecutive A’s pitchers throw only one pitch before taking them out
  • 1995: Achieves enough confidence as a manager to no longer feel stupid wearing a full baseball uniform and a jacket at the same time
  • 1998: Aids Mark McGwire's run to 62 homers by looking other way while force-feeding him andro supplements
  • 2005: In proudest moment of his life, somehow avoids subpoena from Congress during steroid investigation
  • 2006: The Cardinals drastically improve once La Russa’s doctors tell him he’s too old to run onto the field between every pitch and physically adjust everyone’s position
  • 2007: Gets arrested for DUI to show players he's still cool and relatable
  • 2008: Stays up all night laughing maniacally after devising a batting lineup of all pitchers

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