Greatest Regular Seasons In Sports

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Greatest Regular Seasons In Sports

With the Packers enjoying a spectacular 2011 run, Onion Sports looks at some of the most remarkable regular seasons in sporting history:

  • 1880 Chicago White Stockings: Compiled the best regular-season winning percentage in major-league history, which is especially remarkable when you consider baseball bats weren’t invented until 1890
  • 1976 Indiana Basketball: Upon securing an undefeated regular season, head coach Bobby Knight raised both arms, prompting his entire team to flinch and cower in fear
  • 1993 Davey Allison: Led the Winston Cup Series in points for much of the season and only died once
  • 1999 D.C. United: High-octane striking attack led team to score league-record three goals over the course of the season
  • 2004 Nashville Predators: Hockey season completely canceled due to lockout
  • 2003-04 Atlanta Hawks: Only went 28-54, but did manage to trade away Rasheed Wallace
  • 2007 New England Patriots: As a reward for finishing the regular season 16-0, Bill Belichick let his players have the Super Bowl off
  • 49 College Football Teams Since 1970: Achieved the hallowed, prestigious status of an undefeated college football season. Truly remarkable


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