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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Greatest Regular Seasons In Sports

With the Packers enjoying a spectacular 2011 run, Onion Sports looks at some of the most remarkable regular seasons in sporting history:

  • 1880 Chicago White Stockings: Compiled the best regular-season winning percentage in major-league history, which is especially remarkable when you consider baseball bats weren’t invented until 1890
  • 1976 Indiana Basketball: Upon securing an undefeated regular season, head coach Bobby Knight raised both arms, prompting his entire team to flinch and cower in fear
  • 1993 Davey Allison: Led the Winston Cup Series in points for much of the season and only died once
  • 1999 D.C. United: High-octane striking attack led team to score league-record three goals over the course of the season
  • 2004 Nashville Predators: Hockey season completely canceled due to lockout
  • 2003-04 Atlanta Hawks: Only went 28-54, but did manage to trade away Rasheed Wallace
  • 2007 New England Patriots: As a reward for finishing the regular season 16-0, Bill Belichick let his players have the Super Bowl off
  • 49 College Football Teams Since 1970: Achieved the hallowed, prestigious status of an undefeated college football season. Truly remarkable

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