Greatest Sports Rivalries

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Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Greatest Sports Rivalries

Approaching a weekend schedule full of heated rivals facing off on the gridiron, Onion Sports breaks down the most storied rivalries in the athletic world:

  • Amherst College vs. Williams College: These two small liberal arts schools have the saddest little football rivalry. Just look at it. So sad.
  • Real Madrid vs. Barcelona: Hundreds of millions of fans across the world watch this annual matchup of two teams kicking a little soccer ball all around the field
  • Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens: Intense AFC rivalry that the Steelers officially won in 2008
  • Federer vs. Nadal: This fierce and storied tennis rivalry between the Federer and Nadal families first originated in 1836 when Fabian Federer and Gerard Nadal played their first match
  • Kansas City Royals vs. San Diego Chargers: Despite playing in different regions of the country and in different sports, these teams have despised each other for decades
  • Auburn vs. Alabama: Them two teams don’t much like one another at all, anyone who done seen that there Iron Bowl in person’ll tell ya that. Ain’t no bigger game in the great state of Alabama, and any red-blooded Alabamian who tells ya different is just plain lyin’ to hisself.
  • Affirmed vs. Alydar: This heated rivalry between two of the greatest thoroughbreds the horse-racing circuit has ever seen was only slightly undercut by the fact that neither horse had any idea what was going on at any time
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The players in this one truly hate each other
  • Shirts vs. Skins: One of the most treasured rivalries in all of sports, the Shirts currently lead the Skins in all-time wins, 6,917,223 to 6,714,021
  • Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees: As much as these two fan bases may despise one another, the rest of America finds it difficult to decide whom they love more
  • Montreal Canadiens vs. Boston Bruins: No information on this rivalry was available
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