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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Greatest Sports Rivalries

Approaching a weekend schedule full of heated rivals facing off on the gridiron, Onion Sports breaks down the most storied rivalries in the athletic world:

  • Amherst College vs. Williams College: These two small liberal arts schools have the saddest little football rivalry. Just look at it. So sad.
  • Real Madrid vs. Barcelona: Hundreds of millions of fans across the world watch this annual matchup of two teams kicking a little soccer ball all around the field
  • Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens: Intense AFC rivalry that the Steelers officially won in 2008
  • Federer vs. Nadal: This fierce and storied tennis rivalry between the Federer and Nadal families first originated in 1836 when Fabian Federer and Gerard Nadal played their first match
  • Kansas City Royals vs. San Diego Chargers: Despite playing in different regions of the country and in different sports, these teams have despised each other for decades
  • Auburn vs. Alabama: Them two teams don’t much like one another at all, anyone who done seen that there Iron Bowl in person’ll tell ya that. Ain’t no bigger game in the great state of Alabama, and any red-blooded Alabamian who tells ya different is just plain lyin’ to hisself.
  • Affirmed vs. Alydar: This heated rivalry between two of the greatest thoroughbreds the horse-racing circuit has ever seen was only slightly undercut by the fact that neither horse had any idea what was going on at any time
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The players in this one truly hate each other
  • Shirts vs. Skins: One of the most treasured rivalries in all of sports, the Shirts currently lead the Skins in all-time wins, 6,917,223 to 6,714,021
  • Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees: As much as these two fan bases may despise one another, the rest of America finds it difficult to decide whom they love more
  • Montreal Canadiens vs. Boston Bruins: No information on this rivalry was available

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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