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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Greatest Team Anthems

The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne just unveiled "Thunder Up," a psyche-up song calculated to spur the Oklahoma City Thunder to victory. As we see here, it's hardly the first time a team has had its own anthem.

  • The 1985 Bears classic "Super Bowl Shuffle" craftily convinced opponents the team wasn't there to "start no trouble"; the Bears would then catch them completely off guard by trying to win games
  • The Captain & Tennille classic "Do That To Me One More Time" was the Bulls' anthem during their second three-peat and was sung completely faithful to the original by Scottie Pippen to Michael Jordan
  • “Chopsticks,” the anthem of the Jaguars' 1996 playoff run, was played by a novice on a piano that is the only musical instrument in the entire city of Jacksonville
  • Legend has it that an anonymous fan penned "That Casserole The Dear Leader Made Was Delicious And Had Very Few Grains Of Sand In It," the compulsory rally cry of North Korean Olympians
  • Miami resident Gloria Estefan celebrated the Florida Marlins' 1997 World Series run with the anthem "What Are The Florida Marlins?"
  • At Eli Manning’s request, the New York Giants have come running out of the tunnel to the nursery rhyme “Hot Cross Buns” for six years
  • Originally meant as a public service announcement at Philadelphia’s Veterans Stadium, local legend Patti LaBelle’s soulful ballad “Empty Your Water Bottles Before You Toss Them, Please” is now played at Eagles games during player warm-ups, after the first offensive series, at halftime, at the start of the fourth quarter, and on a loop postgame

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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