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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Greatest Team Anthems

The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne just unveiled "Thunder Up," a psyche-up song calculated to spur the Oklahoma City Thunder to victory. As we see here, it's hardly the first time a team has had its own anthem.

  • The 1985 Bears classic "Super Bowl Shuffle" craftily convinced opponents the team wasn't there to "start no trouble"; the Bears would then catch them completely off guard by trying to win games
  • The Captain & Tennille classic "Do That To Me One More Time" was the Bulls' anthem during their second three-peat and was sung completely faithful to the original by Scottie Pippen to Michael Jordan
  • “Chopsticks,” the anthem of the Jaguars' 1996 playoff run, was played by a novice on a piano that is the only musical instrument in the entire city of Jacksonville
  • Legend has it that an anonymous fan penned "That Casserole The Dear Leader Made Was Delicious And Had Very Few Grains Of Sand In It," the compulsory rally cry of North Korean Olympians
  • Miami resident Gloria Estefan celebrated the Florida Marlins' 1997 World Series run with the anthem "What Are The Florida Marlins?"
  • At Eli Manning’s request, the New York Giants have come running out of the tunnel to the nursery rhyme “Hot Cross Buns” for six years
  • Originally meant as a public service announcement at Philadelphia’s Veterans Stadium, local legend Patti LaBelle’s soulful ballad “Empty Your Water Bottles Before You Toss Them, Please” is now played at Eagles games during player warm-ups, after the first offensive series, at halftime, at the start of the fourth quarter, and on a loop postgame

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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