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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Greatest Team Anthems

The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne just unveiled "Thunder Up," a psyche-up song calculated to spur the Oklahoma City Thunder to victory. As we see here, it's hardly the first time a team has had its own anthem.

  • The 1985 Bears classic "Super Bowl Shuffle" craftily convinced opponents the team wasn't there to "start no trouble"; the Bears would then catch them completely off guard by trying to win games
  • The Captain & Tennille classic "Do That To Me One More Time" was the Bulls' anthem during their second three-peat and was sung completely faithful to the original by Scottie Pippen to Michael Jordan
  • “Chopsticks,” the anthem of the Jaguars' 1996 playoff run, was played by a novice on a piano that is the only musical instrument in the entire city of Jacksonville
  • Legend has it that an anonymous fan penned "That Casserole The Dear Leader Made Was Delicious And Had Very Few Grains Of Sand In It," the compulsory rally cry of North Korean Olympians
  • Miami resident Gloria Estefan celebrated the Florida Marlins' 1997 World Series run with the anthem "What Are The Florida Marlins?"
  • At Eli Manning’s request, the New York Giants have come running out of the tunnel to the nursery rhyme “Hot Cross Buns” for six years
  • Originally meant as a public service announcement at Philadelphia’s Veterans Stadium, local legend Patti LaBelle’s soulful ballad “Empty Your Water Bottles Before You Toss Them, Please” is now played at Eagles games during player warm-ups, after the first offensive series, at halftime, at the start of the fourth quarter, and on a loop postgame

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