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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Greatest World Series Moments

Albert Pujols' three homers in one game was an amazing World Series spectacle, but it was hardly the greatest moment the Fall Classic has ever seen.

  • 1926: Babe Ruth hits what everyone in attendance agrees is the best foul tip in World Series history
  • 1975: Carlton Fisk hits a home run down the left field line and does the YMCA dance all the way to first base
  • 1986: Bill Buckner makes the only infield error any human being has remembered for more than 30 seconds
  • 1993: Joe Carter lives out every little boy's dream of hitting a Series-winning walk-off and living part-time in Canada
  • 1996: Baseball fans everywhere are abuzz with the prospect of either the Yankees or Braves losing the World Series
  • 1997: Edgar Renteria's RBI single in extra innings during Game 7 gives Florida Marlins fans a World Series victory they will remember for weeks to come
  • 2001: The nation realizes that two months was all it took to start rooting against New York again after 9/11
  • 1903-2011: Home runs

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