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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Green Day's 'American Idiot' Musical Opens

A stage adaptation of Green Day's 2004 album American Idiot opened on Broadway last week. Here are some of the plot highlights from this boy-pursuing-his-dreams-in-the-big-city story:

  • A towering crescendo, rotating stage platform, and flashing klieg lights simulate the simultaneous pain and elation of having one's nose pierced
  • Love interest reveals she's a Bush supporter moments too late, when the couple has just finished making love and singing about it
  • The chorus refuses to stay on stage just because that's what they were told to do, so they totally mosh in the aisles as punk-colored balloons fall
  • Early hit "Hitchin' A Ride" is performed with plenty of vocal razzle-dazzle as originally intended
  • Main character calls everything he likes "Tré Cool!"
  • The Angel of Punk Rock turns out to be a disfigured roadie who lives in an underground lair beneath the old CBGB
  • Chorus dancers wearing leotards with the letters D, U, and H never manage to line up properly
  • The protagonist ultimately realizes that fulfillment doesn't come from rigid societal conformism, but from a mild, inoffensive brand of nonconformism that is easily digestible—even widely marketable—to the masses
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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