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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2009

With the recent success of a number of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office. Here are the latest projects to begin production:

  • Norm Gaby, Dorm Baby: USC freshman Dave Gaby has no choice but to live in the dorms with his 1-year-old son, Norm, and boy is he surprised when Norm becomes the Trojans' new kicker and reason for their championship dreams
  • Untitled "Underdog Overcomes All Odds" project: Release date and sport TBD
  • Rolling Pins: Max and Charles are the best video-game bowlers of all time, but what happens when they get sucked into the game?
  • Talmudders: Jonah Hill, a foul-mouthed coach of a Hebrew school's pee-wee football team, teaches the group of overweight, wimpy, and neurotic players to swear
  • Tar: Hollywood jazzes up the real-life story of the George Brett pine-tar game by having Brett boil Yankees manager Billy Martin in a boiling vat of tar
  • Dead Coach: After Portland Trailblazers coach Buster McManus has a fatal heart attack in the locker room before the season opener, the players attempt to convince the NBA he's still alive by propping him up for games, drawing up plays, and rewarding themselves with huge contracts and trades to contenders
  • WHIP: Walks and Hits per Innings Puppy: Homer, the golden retriever with an eye for pitching statistics, proves in the big game that the old-fashioned, no-good sabermetricians have overvalued off-speed pitches in 2-1 situations
  • The Prince Fielder Diaries: An awkward and overweight cleanup hitter on an average team learns that he's the heir to the throne of Batvia
  • The Wrestler 2: Leaving off where the first film ended, Randy "The Ram" wins his match; enjoys a satisfying shower; meets Cassidy, the erotic dancer, in the lobby; and then walks out to the parking lot, where he collapses and dies
  • 4th and 98: Oh jeez, it doesn't look like the Pudgington Beavers are going to get that first down they want so much

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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