Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2009

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Vol 45 Issue 37

Web Gem Disappointing

URBANA, IL—The No. 3 Web Gem of the Day, Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista's backhand pickup of an Evan Longoria grounder, was a "great disappointment" to avid baseball fan Andrew Missel, who questioned whether the play deserved any honor at all. "So, what—he just short-hopped the ball?" asked Missel, who has often expressed deep dissatisfaction with the rankings and nominations of the Baseball Tonight segment.

East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State

JACKSONVILLE, FL—At a press conference Monday, Jaguars quarterback and East Carolina University alum David Garrard indicated through certain statements to reporters that "East Carolina" is one of the 50 United States. "I can say without hesitation that it is definitely my favorite of all the Carolinas," said the former ECU Pirate, who, when pressed, identified the imaginary commonwealth's capital as Greenville and its state bird as the red-necked grebe.

Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

WASHINGTON—Experts predict 39-year-old Doug Mahoney's most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2009

With the recent success of a number of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office. Here are the latest projects to begin production:

  • Norm Gaby, Dorm Baby: USC freshman Dave Gaby has no choice but to live in the dorms with his 1-year-old son, Norm, and boy is he surprised when Norm becomes the Trojans' new kicker and reason for their championship dreams
  • Untitled "Underdog Overcomes All Odds" project: Release date and sport TBD
  • Rolling Pins: Max and Charles are the best video-game bowlers of all time, but what happens when they get sucked into the game?
  • Talmudders: Jonah Hill, a foul-mouthed coach of a Hebrew school's pee-wee football team, teaches the group of overweight, wimpy, and neurotic players to swear
  • Tar: Hollywood jazzes up the real-life story of the George Brett pine-tar game by having Brett boil Yankees manager Billy Martin in a boiling vat of tar
  • Dead Coach: After Portland Trailblazers coach Buster McManus has a fatal heart attack in the locker room before the season opener, the players attempt to convince the NBA he's still alive by propping him up for games, drawing up plays, and rewarding themselves with huge contracts and trades to contenders
  • WHIP: Walks and Hits per Innings Puppy: Homer, the golden retriever with an eye for pitching statistics, proves in the big game that the old-fashioned, no-good sabermetricians have overvalued off-speed pitches in 2-1 situations
  • The Prince Fielder Diaries: An awkward and overweight cleanup hitter on an average team learns that he's the heir to the throne of Batvia
  • The Wrestler 2: Leaving off where the first film ended, Randy "The Ram" wins his match; enjoys a satisfying shower; meets Cassidy, the erotic dancer, in the lobby; and then walks out to the parking lot, where he collapses and dies
  • 4th and 98: Oh jeez, it doesn't look like the Pudgington Beavers are going to get that first down they want so much
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