Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 29

Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world.

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services.
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Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2013

With the recent success of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office. Here are the latest projects to begin production:

  • A Broken-Down Athlete Who Was Great When He Was Young, Never Got A Lucky Break, And Made Some Poor Choices Along The Way, Gets One Last Shot At Glory: Starring Kevin Costner
  • Racial Harmony Achieved By Lacrosse: This time, racial harmony is achieved by people playing lacrosse
  • Sampras: The life of Pete Sampras, overcoming basically no obstacles to have a successful, fulfilling personal life and long, dominant career
  • Home Bunn: A fucking rabbit plays baseball
  • The Complex Elegance Of Baseball: An old man just kinda rattles on about how baseball is so grandiose and American over a slideshow of public-domain baseball images
  • The Away Trip: The St. Louis Rams become separated from their owner during a road trip, forcing the eclectic football roster of thugs, brawlers, and goofballs to embark on an epic cross-country journey plagued by cattle rustlers, a volcano, and the 49ers
  • The Affray: This three-hour epic showcases a real-time re-creation of the legendary regular-season matchup between the Sacramento Kings and the Utah Jazz on December 12, 2003
  • Remember The Titans: Glory Days: Will Patton returns to star in this prequel based on the Titans football team at T.C. Williams High School during the harmonious 1970 season before their team was desegregated
  • Hut Hut Halakha: Head coach Woody Allen leads a group of wimpy and neurotic Hebrew school football players to the New York state championship game
  • The Longest Yard: After a failed second movie, this film franchise returns to its dark roots with Christian Bale playing Paul Crewe and Christopher Nolan taking over as director
  • Across The Gridiron: A moving drama depicting the struggles faced by the NFL’s first openly gay player, Jay Cutler
  • Quarterbackwards: When Cougars quarterback Bobby Pearce attempts to change a play at the line of scrimmage by reciting an ancient and mystical audible he discovered in a stack of old playbooks, he suddenly finds that everything is going in reverse
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