adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2013

With the recent success of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office. Here are the latest projects to begin production:

  • A Broken-Down Athlete Who Was Great When He Was Young, Never Got A Lucky Break, And Made Some Poor Choices Along The Way, Gets One Last Shot At Glory: Starring Kevin Costner
  • Racial Harmony Achieved By Lacrosse: This time, racial harmony is achieved by people playing lacrosse
  • Sampras: The life of Pete Sampras, overcoming basically no obstacles to have a successful, fulfilling personal life and long, dominant career
  • Home Bunn: A fucking rabbit plays baseball
  • The Complex Elegance Of Baseball: An old man just kinda rattles on about how baseball is so grandiose and American over a slideshow of public-domain baseball images
  • The Away Trip: The St. Louis Rams become separated from their owner during a road trip, forcing the eclectic football roster of thugs, brawlers, and goofballs to embark on an epic cross-country journey plagued by cattle rustlers, a volcano, and the 49ers
  • The Affray: This three-hour epic showcases a real-time re-creation of the legendary regular-season matchup between the Sacramento Kings and the Utah Jazz on December 12, 2003
  • Remember The Titans: Glory Days: Will Patton returns to star in this prequel based on the Titans football team at T.C. Williams High School during the harmonious 1970 season before their team was desegregated
  • Hut Hut Halakha: Head coach Woody Allen leads a group of wimpy and neurotic Hebrew school football players to the New York state championship game
  • The Longest Yard: After a failed second movie, this film franchise returns to its dark roots with Christian Bale playing Paul Crewe and Christopher Nolan taking over as director
  • Across The Gridiron: A moving drama depicting the struggles faced by the NFL’s first openly gay player, Jay Cutler
  • Quarterbackwards: When Cougars quarterback Bobby Pearce attempts to change a play at the line of scrimmage by reciting an ancient and mystical audible he discovered in a stack of old playbooks, he suddenly finds that everything is going in reverse

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close