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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2013

With the recent success of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office. Here are the latest projects to begin production:

  • A Broken-Down Athlete Who Was Great When He Was Young, Never Got A Lucky Break, And Made Some Poor Choices Along The Way, Gets One Last Shot At Glory: Starring Kevin Costner
  • Racial Harmony Achieved By Lacrosse: This time, racial harmony is achieved by people playing lacrosse
  • Sampras: The life of Pete Sampras, overcoming basically no obstacles to have a successful, fulfilling personal life and long, dominant career
  • Home Bunn: A fucking rabbit plays baseball
  • The Complex Elegance Of Baseball: An old man just kinda rattles on about how baseball is so grandiose and American over a slideshow of public-domain baseball images
  • The Away Trip: The St. Louis Rams become separated from their owner during a road trip, forcing the eclectic football roster of thugs, brawlers, and goofballs to embark on an epic cross-country journey plagued by cattle rustlers, a volcano, and the 49ers
  • The Affray: This three-hour epic showcases a real-time re-creation of the legendary regular-season matchup between the Sacramento Kings and the Utah Jazz on December 12, 2003
  • Remember The Titans: Glory Days: Will Patton returns to star in this prequel based on the Titans football team at T.C. Williams High School during the harmonious 1970 season before their team was desegregated
  • Hut Hut Halakha: Head coach Woody Allen leads a group of wimpy and neurotic Hebrew school football players to the New York state championship game
  • The Longest Yard: After a failed second movie, this film franchise returns to its dark roots with Christian Bale playing Paul Crewe and Christopher Nolan taking over as director
  • Across The Gridiron: A moving drama depicting the struggles faced by the NFL’s first openly gay player, Jay Cutler
  • Quarterbackwards: When Cougars quarterback Bobby Pearce attempts to change a play at the line of scrimmage by reciting an ancient and mystical audible he discovered in a stack of old playbooks, he suddenly finds that everything is going in reverse

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