adBlockCheck

Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census

Top Headlines

Politics

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census

Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any question besides the number of people in their household.

What information are they trying to keep private?

  • Anything that evokes a little bit of mystery, and rekindles that old spark between us and the Census Bureau
  • How often on-again, off-again boyfriend was shacking up
  • That they can't remember new offspring's name
  • How many times they ordered some Time-Life item off television only to claim it never arrived, demand a new set, and then return that one for a full refund
  • That they are Osama bin Laden
  • That they prefer to sleep in a Vaseline-lined thermal pouch
  • Whether they rent or own their heavily armed secessionist compound
  • Their DNA sequence, which, according to multiple credible websites, the Census collects from saliva on the return-envelope adhesive and then adds to a secret government database

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close