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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census

Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any question besides the number of people in their household.

What information are they trying to keep private?

  • Anything that evokes a little bit of mystery, and rekindles that old spark between us and the Census Bureau
  • How often on-again, off-again boyfriend was shacking up
  • That they can't remember new offspring's name
  • How many times they ordered some Time-Life item off television only to claim it never arrived, demand a new set, and then return that one for a full refund
  • That they are Osama bin Laden
  • That they prefer to sleep in a Vaseline-lined thermal pouch
  • Whether they rent or own their heavily armed secessionist compound
  • Their DNA sequence, which, according to multiple credible websites, the Census collects from saliva on the return-envelope adhesive and then adds to a secret government database

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