Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

Onion Sports gazes into its crystal ball to examine the fate of recently cut Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.

  • July 28, 2013: Casually shows up to New York Jets training camp like nothing happened
  • September 8, 2013: Finally gets around to finishing Bible
  • December 25, 2013: Tebow will vow to work harder than anybody else to once again become a starting quarterback in the NFL to a very confused cashier at Wendy’s
  • February 7, 2016: Wins first Super Bowl ring as third-string fullback for St. Louis Rams
  • November 2017: Soaks up every last second of a standing ovation from fans during a Gators football game
  • December 2017: Decides it’s just time to hit the open road, hitting every soda joint and R-rated movie along the way
  • May–July 2018: Brief stint as minister exposes serious flaws in his ability to shout out a bunch of hallelujahs
  • November 3, 2020: Marries a beautiful, incredibly boring woman
  • June 2028: Gets 7-year-old son a private quarterback coach who can instruct him on how to properly throw a football
  • August 12, 2029: Fulfills long-held dream of attending Rex Ryan’s funeral
  • May 6, 2030: Finally learns how to throw perfect spiral
  • February 11, 2064: Ascends to heaven


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