Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

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Vol 49 Issue 18

Tuesday, May 14

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.

No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

Onion Sports gazes into its crystal ball to examine the fate of recently cut Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.

  • July 28, 2013: Casually shows up to New York Jets training camp like nothing happened
  • September 8, 2013: Finally gets around to finishing Bible
  • December 25, 2013: Tebow will vow to work harder than anybody else to once again become a starting quarterback in the NFL to a very confused cashier at Wendy’s
  • February 7, 2016: Wins first Super Bowl ring as third-string fullback for St. Louis Rams
  • November 2017: Soaks up every last second of a standing ovation from fans during a Gators football game
  • December 2017: Decides it’s just time to hit the open road, hitting every soda joint and R-rated movie along the way
  • May–July 2018: Brief stint as minister exposes serious flaws in his ability to shout out a bunch of hallelujahs
  • November 3, 2020: Marries a beautiful, incredibly boring woman
  • June 2028: Gets 7-year-old son a private quarterback coach who can instruct him on how to properly throw a football
  • August 12, 2029: Fulfills long-held dream of attending Rex Ryan’s funeral
  • May 6, 2030: Finally learns how to throw perfect spiral
  • February 11, 2064: Ascends to heaven
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