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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

Onion Sports gazes into its crystal ball to examine the fate of recently cut Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.

  • July 28, 2013: Casually shows up to New York Jets training camp like nothing happened
  • September 8, 2013: Finally gets around to finishing Bible
  • December 25, 2013: Tebow will vow to work harder than anybody else to once again become a starting quarterback in the NFL to a very confused cashier at Wendy’s
  • February 7, 2016: Wins first Super Bowl ring as third-string fullback for St. Louis Rams
  • November 2017: Soaks up every last second of a standing ovation from fans during a Gators football game
  • December 2017: Decides it’s just time to hit the open road, hitting every soda joint and R-rated movie along the way
  • May–July 2018: Brief stint as minister exposes serious flaws in his ability to shout out a bunch of hallelujahs
  • November 3, 2020: Marries a beautiful, incredibly boring woman
  • June 2028: Gets 7-year-old son a private quarterback coach who can instruct him on how to properly throw a football
  • August 12, 2029: Fulfills long-held dream of attending Rex Ryan’s funeral
  • May 6, 2030: Finally learns how to throw perfect spiral
  • February 11, 2064: Ascends to heaven

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