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Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

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How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

Onion Sports gazes into its crystal ball to examine the fate of recently cut Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.

  • July 28, 2013: Casually shows up to New York Jets training camp like nothing happened
  • September 8, 2013: Finally gets around to finishing Bible
  • December 25, 2013: Tebow will vow to work harder than anybody else to once again become a starting quarterback in the NFL to a very confused cashier at Wendy’s
  • February 7, 2016: Wins first Super Bowl ring as third-string fullback for St. Louis Rams
  • November 2017: Soaks up every last second of a standing ovation from fans during a Gators football game
  • December 2017: Decides it’s just time to hit the open road, hitting every soda joint and R-rated movie along the way
  • May–July 2018: Brief stint as minister exposes serious flaws in his ability to shout out a bunch of hallelujahs
  • November 3, 2020: Marries a beautiful, incredibly boring woman
  • June 2028: Gets 7-year-old son a private quarterback coach who can instruct him on how to properly throw a football
  • August 12, 2029: Fulfills long-held dream of attending Rex Ryan’s funeral
  • May 6, 2030: Finally learns how to throw perfect spiral
  • February 11, 2064: Ascends to heaven

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