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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Guide To Tim Tebow's Future

Onion Sports gazes into its crystal ball to examine the fate of recently cut Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.

  • July 28, 2013: Casually shows up to New York Jets training camp like nothing happened
  • September 8, 2013: Finally gets around to finishing Bible
  • December 25, 2013: Tebow will vow to work harder than anybody else to once again become a starting quarterback in the NFL to a very confused cashier at Wendy’s
  • February 7, 2016: Wins first Super Bowl ring as third-string fullback for St. Louis Rams
  • November 2017: Soaks up every last second of a standing ovation from fans during a Gators football game
  • December 2017: Decides it’s just time to hit the open road, hitting every soda joint and R-rated movie along the way
  • May–July 2018: Brief stint as minister exposes serious flaws in his ability to shout out a bunch of hallelujahs
  • November 3, 2020: Marries a beautiful, incredibly boring woman
  • June 2028: Gets 7-year-old son a private quarterback coach who can instruct him on how to properly throw a football
  • August 12, 2029: Fulfills long-held dream of attending Rex Ryan’s funeral
  • May 6, 2030: Finally learns how to throw perfect spiral
  • February 11, 2064: Ascends to heaven

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