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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Gun Laws Passed This Year

In the past year, over 100 bills pertaining to firearms have been passed at the state level, nearly two-thirds of which have loosened restrictions on gun ownership. Here are some of the notable gun laws enacted this year:

  • Virginia: Those purchasing guns must present valid form of ID or plausible-sounding explanation for why they cannot
  • Alabama: Allows gun owners to carry concealed racial biases
  • New Mexico: Requires mandatory safety program to train gun owners in the precise method of dancing around bullets being fired at their feet
  • Mississippi: Residents allowed to own any weapon they can securely tuck into the waist of their pants
  • Massachusetts: Requires all bullets be hand-thrown
  • Indiana: Strengthens requirements for state officials to look the other goddamn way
  • South Dakota: New law allows for one good, clean shot at Mount Rushmore
  • Texas: Empowers gun owners to preemptively kill any politician attempting to pass a law infringing on their rights
  • Florida: Gun owners permitted to do anything as long as they have good enough lawyer
  • Pennsylvania: Officially recognizes how sad all of this is

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