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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Gun Laws Passed This Year

In the past year, over 100 bills pertaining to firearms have been passed at the state level, nearly two-thirds of which have loosened restrictions on gun ownership. Here are some of the notable gun laws enacted this year:

  • Virginia: Those purchasing guns must present valid form of ID or plausible-sounding explanation for why they cannot
  • Alabama: Allows gun owners to carry concealed racial biases
  • New Mexico: Requires mandatory safety program to train gun owners in the precise method of dancing around bullets being fired at their feet
  • Mississippi: Residents allowed to own any weapon they can securely tuck into the waist of their pants
  • Massachusetts: Requires all bullets be hand-thrown
  • Indiana: Strengthens requirements for state officials to look the other goddamn way
  • South Dakota: New law allows for one good, clean shot at Mount Rushmore
  • Texas: Empowers gun owners to preemptively kill any politician attempting to pass a law infringing on their rights
  • Florida: Gun owners permitted to do anything as long as they have good enough lawyer
  • Pennsylvania: Officially recognizes how sad all of this is

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