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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Gun Laws Passed This Year

In the past year, over 100 bills pertaining to firearms have been passed at the state level, nearly two-thirds of which have loosened restrictions on gun ownership. Here are some of the notable gun laws enacted this year:

  • Virginia: Those purchasing guns must present valid form of ID or plausible-sounding explanation for why they cannot
  • Alabama: Allows gun owners to carry concealed racial biases
  • New Mexico: Requires mandatory safety program to train gun owners in the precise method of dancing around bullets being fired at their feet
  • Mississippi: Residents allowed to own any weapon they can securely tuck into the waist of their pants
  • Massachusetts: Requires all bullets be hand-thrown
  • Indiana: Strengthens requirements for state officials to look the other goddamn way
  • South Dakota: New law allows for one good, clean shot at Mount Rushmore
  • Texas: Empowers gun owners to preemptively kill any politician attempting to pass a law infringing on their rights
  • Florida: Gun owners permitted to do anything as long as they have good enough lawyer
  • Pennsylvania: Officially recognizes how sad all of this is

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