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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Gun Laws Passed This Year

In the past year, over 100 bills pertaining to firearms have been passed at the state level, nearly two-thirds of which have loosened restrictions on gun ownership. Here are some of the notable gun laws enacted this year:

  • Virginia: Those purchasing guns must present valid form of ID or plausible-sounding explanation for why they cannot
  • Alabama: Allows gun owners to carry concealed racial biases
  • New Mexico: Requires mandatory safety program to train gun owners in the precise method of dancing around bullets being fired at their feet
  • Mississippi: Residents allowed to own any weapon they can securely tuck into the waist of their pants
  • Massachusetts: Requires all bullets be hand-thrown
  • Indiana: Strengthens requirements for state officials to look the other goddamn way
  • South Dakota: New law allows for one good, clean shot at Mount Rushmore
  • Texas: Empowers gun owners to preemptively kill any politician attempting to pass a law infringing on their rights
  • Florida: Gun owners permitted to do anything as long as they have good enough lawyer
  • Pennsylvania: Officially recognizes how sad all of this is

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