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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Handicapping The 2008 Belmont Stakes

The last race of the 2008 Triple Crown brings the prospect of the first Triple Crown winner in 30 years. Onion Sports rates at all the top horses:

Big Brown, 2/7: Look for Big Brown to win the Triple Crown and unite a divided nation behind his tenacity, athleticism, and grace; or do none of that by losing

Casino Drive, 9/2: Longtime horseplayers say this moderate underdog is the smart bet, but that's exactly the kind of thing those rumpled, worn-out romantics like to spout; just go listen to Tom Waits for a while if you don't know what we mean

Denis Of Cork, 12/1: The racing circuit's worst-kept secret is that Denis Of Cork has been going easy in his last few races to hide the fact that he is actually a rebodied 1985 Camaro Z-28

Tale Of Ekati, 20/1: Great-grandsire was Mr. Prospector; need we say more?

Behindatthebar, 25/1: Raised by the fly-by-night Padua Stables, bred by Dr. Frank Justice and Meadow Oaks Farm LLC, who can't breed for shit, and trained by Todd Pletcher, the worst trainer of all time, Behindatthebar is a born loser and is bound to place, at best

Anak Nakal, 50/1: Facing an uphill climb as jockey Rafael Bejarano will be weighing in at a disgusting 110 pounds

Macho Again, 50/1: Quick, agile, and eager, but may not have recovered the sheer power he had when he raced under the moniker of "Macho In The First Place"

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