Handicapping The 2008 Belmont Stakes

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Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Handicapping The 2008 Belmont Stakes

The last race of the 2008 Triple Crown brings the prospect of the first Triple Crown winner in 30 years. Onion Sports rates at all the top horses:

Big Brown, 2/7: Look for Big Brown to win the Triple Crown and unite a divided nation behind his tenacity, athleticism, and grace; or do none of that by losing

Casino Drive, 9/2: Longtime horseplayers say this moderate underdog is the smart bet, but that's exactly the kind of thing those rumpled, worn-out romantics like to spout; just go listen to Tom Waits for a while if you don't know what we mean

Denis Of Cork, 12/1: The racing circuit's worst-kept secret is that Denis Of Cork has been going easy in his last few races to hide the fact that he is actually a rebodied 1985 Camaro Z-28

Tale Of Ekati, 20/1: Great-grandsire was Mr. Prospector; need we say more?

Behindatthebar, 25/1: Raised by the fly-by-night Padua Stables, bred by Dr. Frank Justice and Meadow Oaks Farm LLC, who can't breed for shit, and trained by Todd Pletcher, the worst trainer of all time, Behindatthebar is a born loser and is bound to place, at best

Anak Nakal, 50/1: Facing an uphill climb as jockey Rafael Bejarano will be weighing in at a disgusting 110 pounds

Macho Again, 50/1: Quick, agile, and eager, but may not have recovered the sheer power he had when he raced under the moniker of "Macho In The First Place"


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