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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Hangover Cures

The holidays are a traditional time for overindulgence in alcohol. Here are some of the more common hangover cures:

  • Take a shower; it will feel pretty good, and when you throw up in there, you have less cleaning to do
  • Side two of Billy Joel's The Nylon Curtain
  • Upon waking up, text "ughhhhhh" to anyone you saw the night before
  • Smoke every salvageable cigarette dangling from ashtray
  • Percocet, fresh-squeezed orange juice, The Wire
  • Smash some raw eggs on the ground. It will not help your hangover, but it's fun, and the most important thing in life is fun
  • Beat self up over missed chances, lost opportunities, broken promises; eat more pie
  • Inject electrolyte solution directly into each cell that hurts
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