Hangover Cures

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Vol 46 Issue 01

Colts To Rest Starters For First Game Of Playoffs

INDIANAPOLIS—At his weekly press conference Monday, Colts head coach Jim Caldwell announced that he will rest key starters during the divisional round of the AFC playoffs to keep his players fresh for a Super Bowl run.

Man Gets Life In Order For 36 Minutes

JACKSONVILLE, FL—"It was nice to get some chores out of the way," Terry Oberlin told reporters later, acknowledging that for more than half an hour he experienced no regrets, despair, or frustration of any kind. "Felt really good."

Chris Johnson

This blisteringly quick Titans running back just set the NFL's single-season total yardage record. Is he any good?

Scandalous Coach Firings

Mike Leach's departure from Texas Tech was a spectacle, but it wasn't the first unusual firing in sports history. We look at other notable incidents.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Hangover Cures

The holidays are a traditional time for overindulgence in alcohol. Here are some of the more common hangover cures:

  • Take a shower; it will feel pretty good, and when you throw up in there, you have less cleaning to do
  • Side two of Billy Joel's The Nylon Curtain
  • Upon waking up, text "ughhhhhh" to anyone you saw the night before
  • Smoke every salvageable cigarette dangling from ashtray
  • Percocet, fresh-squeezed orange juice, The Wire
  • Smash some raw eggs on the ground. It will not help your hangover, but it's fun, and the most important thing in life is fun
  • Beat self up over missed chances, lost opportunities, broken promises; eat more pie
  • Inject electrolyte solution directly into each cell that hurts
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