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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Hangover Cures

The holidays are a traditional time for overindulgence in alcohol. Here are some of the more common hangover cures:

  • Take a shower; it will feel pretty good, and when you throw up in there, you have less cleaning to do
  • Side two of Billy Joel's The Nylon Curtain
  • Upon waking up, text "ughhhhhh" to anyone you saw the night before
  • Smoke every salvageable cigarette dangling from ashtray
  • Percocet, fresh-squeezed orange juice, The Wire
  • Smash some raw eggs on the ground. It will not help your hangover, but it's fun, and the most important thing in life is fun
  • Beat self up over missed chances, lost opportunities, broken promises; eat more pie
  • Inject electrolyte solution directly into each cell that hurts

More from this section

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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