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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Hidden Bank Fees

As a result of recent regulations prohibiting certain types of account fees, banks are finding new ways to make money from their customers. Here are some of the hidden charges now being applied:

  • Wells Fargo—$10 to speak to a human teller, $20 to speak to a cute one
  • Chase—$2 fee if Chase Rewards debit card is placed next to a debit card from a competing bank
  • Citibank—Customers who think Citibank has a 'y' in its name are penalized, monthly, on an increasing scale
  • Bank of America—Safe deposit boxes now on coin-operated timers
  • HSBC Bank USA—HSBC gets 10 percent cut of all birthday money
  • TD Bank—$1 for stopping in any TD branch location to warm up while out walking on a cold day
  • Regions Bank—$10 Felix-the-Cat-opt-out charge will be administered to anyone choosing a check design not featuring silent-film-era cartoon character Felix the Cat
  • SunTrust—$1.75 High Roller fee applied when card is used at locations other than CVS
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