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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Hidden Bank Fees

As a result of recent regulations prohibiting certain types of account fees, banks are finding new ways to make money from their customers. Here are some of the hidden charges now being applied:

  • Wells Fargo—$10 to speak to a human teller, $20 to speak to a cute one
  • Chase—$2 fee if Chase Rewards debit card is placed next to a debit card from a competing bank
  • Citibank—Customers who think Citibank has a 'y' in its name are penalized, monthly, on an increasing scale
  • Bank of America—Safe deposit boxes now on coin-operated timers
  • HSBC Bank USA—HSBC gets 10 percent cut of all birthday money
  • TD Bank—$1 for stopping in any TD branch location to warm up while out walking on a cold day
  • Regions Bank—$10 Felix-the-Cat-opt-out charge will be administered to anyone choosing a check design not featuring silent-film-era cartoon character Felix the Cat
  • SunTrust—$1.75 High Roller fee applied when card is used at locations other than CVS

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