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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Hidden Bank Fees

As a result of recent regulations prohibiting certain types of account fees, banks are finding new ways to make money from their customers. Here are some of the hidden charges now being applied:

  • Wells Fargo—$10 to speak to a human teller, $20 to speak to a cute one
  • Chase—$2 fee if Chase Rewards debit card is placed next to a debit card from a competing bank
  • Citibank—Customers who think Citibank has a 'y' in its name are penalized, monthly, on an increasing scale
  • Bank of America—Safe deposit boxes now on coin-operated timers
  • HSBC Bank USA—HSBC gets 10 percent cut of all birthday money
  • TD Bank—$1 for stopping in any TD branch location to warm up while out walking on a cold day
  • Regions Bank—$10 Felix-the-Cat-opt-out charge will be administered to anyone choosing a check design not featuring silent-film-era cartoon character Felix the Cat
  • SunTrust—$1.75 High Roller fee applied when card is used at locations other than CVS

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