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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hidden Bank Fees

As a result of recent regulations prohibiting certain types of account fees, banks are finding new ways to make money from their customers. Here are some of the hidden charges now being applied:

  • Wells Fargo—$10 to speak to a human teller, $20 to speak to a cute one
  • Chase—$2 fee if Chase Rewards debit card is placed next to a debit card from a competing bank
  • Citibank—Customers who think Citibank has a 'y' in its name are penalized, monthly, on an increasing scale
  • Bank of America—Safe deposit boxes now on coin-operated timers
  • HSBC Bank USA—HSBC gets 10 percent cut of all birthday money
  • TD Bank—$1 for stopping in any TD branch location to warm up while out walking on a cold day
  • Regions Bank—$10 Felix-the-Cat-opt-out charge will be administered to anyone choosing a check design not featuring silent-film-era cartoon character Felix the Cat
  • SunTrust—$1.75 High Roller fee applied when card is used at locations other than CVS
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