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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

Onion Sports recaps the most memorable moments from the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics in London.

  • The Olympic torch is awkwardly dropped into the River Lea and officials spend 45 minutes trying to fish it out
  • Faint sound of 1.34 billion Chinese people laughing, heard five minutes after ceremony’s start
  • Tajikistan athletes hamming it up for the largely Tajikistani crowd
  • Daniel Craig appears in a short film as James Bond to promote Dow, official chemical company of the Olympic Games
  • Queen Elizabeth throws a flaming javelin into a terrified lion
  • The official song of the Olympics, performed by the band Muse, celebrates 50 years of British rock and roll and 15 years of overreaction to Radiohead
  • Accidentally holding all event finals while athletes still marching out
  • Some elaborately choreographed dance routine that, frankly, nobody really cares about

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