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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

Onion Sports recaps the most memorable moments from the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics in London.

  • The Olympic torch is awkwardly dropped into the River Lea and officials spend 45 minutes trying to fish it out
  • Faint sound of 1.34 billion Chinese people laughing, heard five minutes after ceremony’s start
  • Tajikistan athletes hamming it up for the largely Tajikistani crowd
  • Daniel Craig appears in a short film as James Bond to promote Dow, official chemical company of the Olympic Games
  • Queen Elizabeth throws a flaming javelin into a terrified lion
  • The official song of the Olympics, performed by the band Muse, celebrates 50 years of British rock and roll and 15 years of overreaction to Radiohead
  • Accidentally holding all event finals while athletes still marching out
  • Some elaborately choreographed dance routine that, frankly, nobody really cares about

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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