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Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

Onion Sports recaps the most memorable moments from the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics in London.

  • The Olympic torch is awkwardly dropped into the River Lea and officials spend 45 minutes trying to fish it out
  • Faint sound of 1.34 billion Chinese people laughing, heard five minutes after ceremony’s start
  • Tajikistan athletes hamming it up for the largely Tajikistani crowd
  • Daniel Craig appears in a short film as James Bond to promote Dow, official chemical company of the Olympic Games
  • Queen Elizabeth throws a flaming javelin into a terrified lion
  • The official song of the Olympics, performed by the band Muse, celebrates 50 years of British rock and roll and 15 years of overreaction to Radiohead
  • Accidentally holding all event finals while athletes still marching out
  • Some elaborately choreographed dance routine that, frankly, nobody really cares about

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