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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

Onion Sports recaps the most memorable moments from the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics in London.

  • The Olympic torch is awkwardly dropped into the River Lea and officials spend 45 minutes trying to fish it out
  • Faint sound of 1.34 billion Chinese people laughing, heard five minutes after ceremony’s start
  • Tajikistan athletes hamming it up for the largely Tajikistani crowd
  • Daniel Craig appears in a short film as James Bond to promote Dow, official chemical company of the Olympic Games
  • Queen Elizabeth throws a flaming javelin into a terrified lion
  • The official song of the Olympics, performed by the band Muse, celebrates 50 years of British rock and roll and 15 years of overreaction to Radiohead
  • Accidentally holding all event finals while athletes still marching out
  • Some elaborately choreographed dance routine that, frankly, nobody really cares about

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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