Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

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Vol 48 Issue 31

Spelling Bees

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT The popular Japanese game show makes its U.S. debut as contestants compete to spell wordswhile trapped in a chamber full of angry yellow jackets.

Breathtaking Easter Island

The island’s ancient, solemn carved stone faces, known as moai, are regarded by natives as deifications of long-dead ancestors and clan chieftains.

The World's Leakiest Faucets

Discovery 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT There's a Delta kitchen faucet in Cincinnati that’s leaking so bad it’s seriously going drip, drip,drip, drip—that fast.

Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower

The nation’s poorest individuals are at least grateful they aren’t part of the nation’s long-suffering middle class, pictures of a smiling group of people are taken where John Lennon was murdered, and the highlight of an Alzheimer patien...

Unemployment Rate Up

Despite the addition of 163,000 jobs in July, the U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly to 8.3 percent, suggesting the economic recovery remained weak.

Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn

GLADYS, VA—After weeks of concerted effort aimed at trying to meet sexual partners through the professional networking site, local man Hugh Nesbitt told reporters Friday that he has yet to break in to the underworld of casual hookups surely hidden b...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

Onion Sports recaps the most memorable moments from the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics in London.

  • The Olympic torch is awkwardly dropped into the River Lea and officials spend 45 minutes trying to fish it out
  • Faint sound of 1.34 billion Chinese people laughing, heard five minutes after ceremony’s start
  • Tajikistan athletes hamming it up for the largely Tajikistani crowd
  • Daniel Craig appears in a short film as James Bond to promote Dow, official chemical company of the Olympic Games
  • Queen Elizabeth throws a flaming javelin into a terrified lion
  • The official song of the Olympics, performed by the band Muse, celebrates 50 years of British rock and roll and 15 years of overreaction to Radiohead
  • Accidentally holding all event finals while athletes still marching out
  • Some elaborately choreographed dance routine that, frankly, nobody really cares about
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