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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Here are a few highlights from Castro’s remarks:

  • “I have prepared a rambling mess of complete nonsense that I would now like to read to the court.”
  • “Some say imprisoning three women in my home for a decade makes me a monster, I say it doesn’t, and of course the truth is somewhere in the middle.”
  • “I was just thinking...it’s kind of weird we’re letting me speak at all, right?”
  • “So I’m completely free to go after I serve my life sentence plus an extra 1,000 years?”
  • “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish I didn’t get caught doing all of the bad things that I did, because, to be honest, I’d like to continue doing the things I was doing before.”
  • “Rockwell font was a mistake. I can barely read this.”
  • “Well, this whole thing has made me feel very bad about myself. I hope you’re happy.”
  • “I look forward to being rehabilitated.”
  • “People like me exist all throughout the world. I’ll leave you on that note.”

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