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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Here are a few highlights from Castro’s remarks:

  • “I have prepared a rambling mess of complete nonsense that I would now like to read to the court.”
  • “Some say imprisoning three women in my home for a decade makes me a monster, I say it doesn’t, and of course the truth is somewhere in the middle.”
  • “I was just thinking...it’s kind of weird we’re letting me speak at all, right?”
  • “So I’m completely free to go after I serve my life sentence plus an extra 1,000 years?”
  • “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish I didn’t get caught doing all of the bad things that I did, because, to be honest, I’d like to continue doing the things I was doing before.”
  • “Rockwell font was a mistake. I can barely read this.”
  • “Well, this whole thing has made me feel very bad about myself. I hope you’re happy.”
  • “I look forward to being rehabilitated.”
  • “People like me exist all throughout the world. I’ll leave you on that note.”

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