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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Here are a few highlights from Castro’s remarks:

  • “I have prepared a rambling mess of complete nonsense that I would now like to read to the court.”
  • “Some say imprisoning three women in my home for a decade makes me a monster, I say it doesn’t, and of course the truth is somewhere in the middle.”
  • “I was just thinking...it’s kind of weird we’re letting me speak at all, right?”
  • “So I’m completely free to go after I serve my life sentence plus an extra 1,000 years?”
  • “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish I didn’t get caught doing all of the bad things that I did, because, to be honest, I’d like to continue doing the things I was doing before.”
  • “Rockwell font was a mistake. I can barely read this.”
  • “Well, this whole thing has made me feel very bad about myself. I hope you’re happy.”
  • “I look forward to being rehabilitated.”
  • “People like me exist all throughout the world. I’ll leave you on that note.”
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