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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Here are a few highlights from Castro’s remarks:

  • “I have prepared a rambling mess of complete nonsense that I would now like to read to the court.”
  • “Some say imprisoning three women in my home for a decade makes me a monster, I say it doesn’t, and of course the truth is somewhere in the middle.”
  • “I was just thinking...it’s kind of weird we’re letting me speak at all, right?”
  • “So I’m completely free to go after I serve my life sentence plus an extra 1,000 years?”
  • “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish I didn’t get caught doing all of the bad things that I did, because, to be honest, I’d like to continue doing the things I was doing before.”
  • “Rockwell font was a mistake. I can barely read this.”
  • “Well, this whole thing has made me feel very bad about myself. I hope you’re happy.”
  • “I look forward to being rehabilitated.”
  • “People like me exist all throughout the world. I’ll leave you on that note.”

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