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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Highlights From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

Hillary Clinton’s new book Hard Choices arrived in stores yesterday, offering her personal account of the challenges she faced serving as Secretary of State. Here are some notable revelations from her memoir:

  • In a particularly open and honest moment, Clinton reveals that she disagrees with Obama about some things and agrees with him about others
  • Knows precise part of the ocean where Osama bin Laden’s corpse is at this very second
  • Refuses to disclose where the advisors from her 2008 presidential run are buried
  • Doesn’t see what’s so great about America
  • 20-page photo spread highlighting different celebrities she’s met, along with their autographs
  • Two chapters dedicated to 1999 assassination attempt
  • Describes an embarrassing snafu in which she wore her flag pin on her right lapel instead of her left, a common means in the homosexual community of signaling that one is “cruising”
  • Still believes Nancy Kerrigan deserved the gold in Lillehammer
  • Is confident the blood clot that sidelined her from duty in 2012 could return at any time, any place, leaving her a poor choice to be president of the United States

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