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Highlights From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Highlights From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

Hillary Clinton’s new book Hard Choices arrived in stores yesterday, offering her personal account of the challenges she faced serving as Secretary of State. Here are some notable revelations from her memoir:

  • In a particularly open and honest moment, Clinton reveals that she disagrees with Obama about some things and agrees with him about others
  • Knows precise part of the ocean where Osama bin Laden’s corpse is at this very second
  • Refuses to disclose where the advisors from her 2008 presidential run are buried
  • Doesn’t see what’s so great about America
  • 20-page photo spread highlighting different celebrities she’s met, along with their autographs
  • Two chapters dedicated to 1999 assassination attempt
  • Describes an embarrassing snafu in which she wore her flag pin on her right lapel instead of her left, a common means in the homosexual community of signaling that one is “cruising”
  • Still believes Nancy Kerrigan deserved the gold in Lillehammer
  • Is confident the blood clot that sidelined her from duty in 2012 could return at any time, any place, leaving her a poor choice to be president of the United States

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