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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Highlights From Last Night’s Grammys

The 56th annual Grammy Awards were held last night in Los Angeles and featured dozens of live performances and memorable musical collaborations. Here are some of the highlights from the biggest night in music:

  • Katy Perry stuns on red carpet with sizzling display of bipedal movement
  • Host LL Cool J reviews list of emergency exits and stairwells as per fire department regulations
  • Daft Punk spends the whole night avoiding an electrical outlet they briefly dated in 2009
  • Queen Latifah muttering “Burn in Hell, sodomites” is nearly picked up by microphone
  • Paul McCartney gets a chance to talk shop with Ryan Lewis
  • Mrs. Ostrovsky honored for best piano teacher
  • Once again, multiple men leaning into the same microphone sweep the Rock Album, Rock Performance, and Metal Performance categories
  • Video feed cuts to nonplussed Robert Christgau following every award announcement
  • Event organizers hold a touching “In Memoriam” segment for the music industry
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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