Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life. 

  • 1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-old Jordan begins his lifelong love affair with gambling
  • 1985: In a flash of inspiration before the NBA season, Jordan decides to call his new shoes “Air Jordans” after the atmospheric gas that enables him to breathe during games
  • 1990s: Uses worldwide fame to promote American values of hyper-competitiveness and egomania
  • 1993: Works with video game developer Midway on alternate version of NBA Jam in which he is the only playable character
  • July 1993: Wins $2,000,000 bet that his father would be murdered at a rest area
  • 1995: 5-year-old son Jeffrey scores his first-ever basket in the driveway, after which Jordan goes on an unstoppable 184-0 run against him
  • 1996: Saves planet from near collapse at the hands of basketball-playing aliens, a haunting experience he later turned into an introspective, critically acclaimed independent film
  • 2006: Completes first-ever infidelity three-peat
  • 2009: During his NBA Hall of Fame speech, Jordan finally calls out Pat Riley, Jeff Van Gundy, Bryon Russell, and some guy who cut him off in traffic in 1987
  • 2010-2012: Plays for Charlotte Bobcats under the pseudonym Gerald Henderson
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