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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life. 

  • 1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-old Jordan begins his lifelong love affair with gambling
  • 1985: In a flash of inspiration before the NBA season, Jordan decides to call his new shoes “Air Jordans” after the atmospheric gas that enables him to breathe during games
  • 1990s: Uses worldwide fame to promote American values of hyper-competitiveness and egomania
  • 1993: Works with video game developer Midway on alternate version of NBA Jam in which he is the only playable character
  • July 1993: Wins $2,000,000 bet that his father would be murdered at a rest area
  • 1995: 5-year-old son Jeffrey scores his first-ever basket in the driveway, after which Jordan goes on an unstoppable 184-0 run against him
  • 1996: Saves planet from near collapse at the hands of basketball-playing aliens, a haunting experience he later turned into an introspective, critically acclaimed independent film
  • 2006: Completes first-ever infidelity three-peat
  • 2009: During his NBA Hall of Fame speech, Jordan finally calls out Pat Riley, Jeff Van Gundy, Bryon Russell, and some guy who cut him off in traffic in 1987
  • 2010-2012: Plays for Charlotte Bobcats under the pseudonym Gerald Henderson

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