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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected pontiff one year ago Thursday, taking the name Pope Francis and beginning a colorful and progressive tenure as the head of the Catholic Church. Here are some of the most memorable moments from Pope Francis’ first year:

  • Brings exciting new spirit of youthful vigor and renewal to position by only being 77 years old
  • Holds a rummage sale for all of Pope Benedict’s old shit
  • Displays solidarity with world’s poor by trading in traditional 37-inch papal hat for less ostentatious 18-incher
  • Releases 300 altar boys back into the wild
  • Most progressive pope in Vatican history reaffirms belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman
  • In an embarrassing first-week blunder, Pope Francis’ mitre falls down over his eyes during mass, causing him to spill an entire bottle of sacramental wine onto his vestments, trip down the papal altar and knock over a chest containing St. Peter’s bones, then stumble hands-first into a confessional occupied by a bosomy blonde
  • God shows him how to fly
  • Accidentally says “fuck” 16 times in a row during weekly blessing
  • Words once again manipulated by media to suggest compassion for fellow human beings
  • Blesses Archbishop Anthony Pagliani before leaning into his ear and ever-so-softly saying, “I’ll fucking murder you if you ever cross me”
  • Delights crowd by dangling his infant son over papal balcony
  • Becomes embroiled in controversy when it’s discovered he plagiarized parts of Easter mass homily from a speech on The West Wing
  • Completes first year in office that is widely hailed as welcomely modern and tolerant just as God puts finishing touches on new deeper, darker realm of Hell reserved only for most vile heretics

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