Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year

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Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected pontiff one year ago Thursday, taking the name Pope Francis and beginning a colorful and progressive tenure as the head of the Catholic Church. Here are some of the most memorable moments from Pope Francis’ first year:

  • Brings exciting new spirit of youthful vigor and renewal to position by only being 77 years old
  • Holds a rummage sale for all of Pope Benedict’s old shit
  • Displays solidarity with world’s poor by trading in traditional 37-inch papal hat for less ostentatious 18-incher
  • Releases 300 altar boys back into the wild
  • Most progressive pope in Vatican history reaffirms belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman
  • In an embarrassing first-week blunder, Pope Francis’ mitre falls down over his eyes during mass, causing him to spill an entire bottle of sacramental wine onto his vestments, trip down the papal altar and knock over a chest containing St. Peter’s bones, then stumble hands-first into a confessional occupied by a bosomy blonde
  • God shows him how to fly
  • Accidentally says “fuck” 16 times in a row during weekly blessing
  • Words once again manipulated by media to suggest compassion for fellow human beings
  • Blesses Archbishop Anthony Pagliani before leaning into his ear and ever-so-softly saying, “I’ll fucking murder you if you ever cross me”
  • Delights crowd by dangling his infant son over papal balcony
  • Becomes embroiled in controversy when it’s discovered he plagiarized parts of Easter mass homily from a speech on The West Wing
  • Completes first year in office that is widely hailed as welcomely modern and tolerant just as God puts finishing touches on new deeper, darker realm of Hell reserved only for most vile heretics