Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 10

Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying

In an open letter he posted this week, Mark Zuckerberg wrote that he called President Obama to express his concerns about the NSA’s mass surveillance programs, which the Facebook founder considers a huge threat to the future of the internet.

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald’s is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.

Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High

According to a new report, the number of adults taking prescription medications for ADHD rose 50 percent between 2008 and 2012, leading many to question whether doctors are overprescribing the meds.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Originality

Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected pontiff one year ago Thursday, taking the name Pope Francis and beginning a colorful and progressive tenure as the head of the Catholic Church. Here are some of the most memorable moments from Pope Francis’ first year:

  • Brings exciting new spirit of youthful vigor and renewal to position by only being 77 years old
  • Holds a rummage sale for all of Pope Benedict’s old shit
  • Displays solidarity with world’s poor by trading in traditional 37-inch papal hat for less ostentatious 18-incher
  • Releases 300 altar boys back into the wild
  • Most progressive pope in Vatican history reaffirms belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman
  • In an embarrassing first-week blunder, Pope Francis’ mitre falls down over his eyes during mass, causing him to spill an entire bottle of sacramental wine onto his vestments, trip down the papal altar and knock over a chest containing St. Peter’s bones, then stumble hands-first into a confessional occupied by a bosomy blonde
  • God shows him how to fly
  • Accidentally says “fuck” 16 times in a row during weekly blessing
  • Words once again manipulated by media to suggest compassion for fellow human beings
  • Blesses Archbishop Anthony Pagliani before leaning into his ear and ever-so-softly saying, “I’ll fucking murder you if you ever cross me”
  • Delights crowd by dangling his infant son over papal balcony
  • Becomes embroiled in controversy when it’s discovered he plagiarized parts of Easter mass homily from a speech on The West Wing
  • Completes first year in office that is widely hailed as welcomely modern and tolerant just as God puts finishing touches on new deeper, darker realm of Hell reserved only for most vile heretics
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More