Highlights From Pope Francis’ Trip To Brazil

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Highlights From Pope Francis’ Trip To Brazil

  • Blesses each colored tile of the Escadaria Selaron
  • Attempts to say something nice about the abject poverty
  • Walks through streets of Rio shaking hands with citizens and whispering in each person’s ear, “I am the pope”
  • Slyly works “Ordem e Progresso” reference into a story about Jesus
  • Repeatedly dabs sweat from his brow and tugs at clerical collar while hearing steamiest confessions of his life
  • Eats a parrot
  • Visits Rio de Janeiro slum where Mother Mary miraculously appeared and robbed a guy at gunpoint in 1992
  • Breaks from prepared remarks to just riff on religion for a few minutes
  • Blesses carjacking
  • Plays a pickup game of soccer with local youths, errantly passes the ball backward into his own net, and is shot four times after the game
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