adBlockCheck

Highlights From Pope Francis’ Trip To Brazil

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Highlights From Pope Francis’ Trip To Brazil

  • Blesses each colored tile of the Escadaria Selaron
  • Attempts to say something nice about the abject poverty
  • Walks through streets of Rio shaking hands with citizens and whispering in each person’s ear, “I am the pope”
  • Slyly works “Ordem e Progresso” reference into a story about Jesus
  • Repeatedly dabs sweat from his brow and tugs at clerical collar while hearing steamiest confessions of his life
  • Eats a parrot
  • Visits Rio de Janeiro slum where Mother Mary miraculously appeared and robbed a guy at gunpoint in 1992
  • Breaks from prepared remarks to just riff on religion for a few minutes
  • Blesses carjacking
  • Plays a pickup game of soccer with local youths, errantly passes the ball backward into his own net, and is shot four times after the game

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close