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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Highlights From Sunday Night’s Return Of ‘Breaking Bad’

AMC’s critically acclaimed hit Breaking Bad premiered the first of its final eight installments last night after nearly 11 months off the air. Here are the most memorable moments from the highly anticipated episode:

  • Walt Jr. formally changes his name to Flynn
  • Bryan Cranston replaced halfway through opening episode with Mark Hamill
  • Given the opportunity to once again return to active duty, air traffic controller Donald Margolis promptly crashes a 747 into the local high school
  • Skyler realizes she must live with her choices after hastily deciding to switch to a new supplier of clear coat protectant at the car wash
  • Family, friends throw quinceañera for Tuco’s niece
  • Walt and Jesse decide to stop cooking meth, resume cooking meth, stop cooking meth, resume cooking meth
  • In hopes of making a little extra scratch, Walt starts growing a few pot plants in his closet
  • Jake Pinkman inducted into National Junior Honor Society
  • In a clear nod to the show’s chemistry themes, all of the names in the credits contain highlighted symbols from the periodic table of elements
  • Lively chemotherapy montage
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