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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Highlights From Sunday Night’s Return Of ‘Breaking Bad’

AMC’s critically acclaimed hit Breaking Bad premiered the first of its final eight installments last night after nearly 11 months off the air. Here are the most memorable moments from the highly anticipated episode:

  • Walt Jr. formally changes his name to Flynn
  • Bryan Cranston replaced halfway through opening episode with Mark Hamill
  • Given the opportunity to once again return to active duty, air traffic controller Donald Margolis promptly crashes a 747 into the local high school
  • Skyler realizes she must live with her choices after hastily deciding to switch to a new supplier of clear coat protectant at the car wash
  • Family, friends throw quinceañera for Tuco’s niece
  • Walt and Jesse decide to stop cooking meth, resume cooking meth, stop cooking meth, resume cooking meth
  • In hopes of making a little extra scratch, Walt starts growing a few pot plants in his closet
  • Jake Pinkman inducted into National Junior Honor Society
  • In a clear nod to the show’s chemistry themes, all of the names in the credits contain highlighted symbols from the periodic table of elements
  • Lively chemotherapy montage
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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