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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Highlights From SXSW Interactive

The interactive portion of the South by Southwest festival concluded yesterday in Austin, TX. Here is a look back at the top moments from this year’s event:

  • Enterprising attendees save time by pronouncing festival’s name as Six-Saw
  • Handshake that will someday lead to two Chapter 11 bankruptcies occurs
  • Everyone with real job stays home
  • 250,000th time someone mentions they could totally see themselves living in Austin for a few years at least
  • Happy hour where Pete from tech talked to some guy who works at Facebook
  • Everyone unknowingly networks with exact same people from last year’s festival
  • Organizers print up a few hundred more “Bryce” nametags
  • The festival once again honors veterans in its field when 22-year-old Android app developer Josh Nathe is given the SXSW Lifetime Achievement Award
  • Seventy tons of Fuze Beverage promotional iPhone cases trucked to Austin-area landfill
  • The game—the whole game, all of it—completely changed. The future is here. The future is now.

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