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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Highlights From The 2010 Winter Olympics

As the 21st Winter Games draw to a close, we look back on moments that will live on in Olympic history:

  • Hannah Kearney brings Team USA its first gold medal after spotting one in a display case when no one else was around
  • As the crowds cheered uproariously and the judges scored the run, no one really questioned the fact that Shaun White just kept floating upward on that last jump
  • An unnamed but courageous Olympic athlete is bold enough to give the peace sign while on camera
  • After winning the gold in men's free skating, American Evan Lysacek raises the flag of the Czech Republic because he went there on vacation last year and had a really great time
  • U.S. men's cross-country ski team finishes ninth after losing interest and heading toward the ski-jump ramp
  • Over the course of two weeks, every male athlete at the games attempts to get into a playful snowball fight with Tanith Belbin
  • NHL commissioner Gary Bettman makes an appearance and asks organizers if he can have any leftover pucks
  • Chinese athletes turn in geometrically exact, technically precise performances in snowboarding events, proving that they can be heartless automatons at just about anything

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