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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Highlights From The 2010 Winter Olympics

As the 21st Winter Games draw to a close, we look back on moments that will live on in Olympic history:

  • Hannah Kearney brings Team USA its first gold medal after spotting one in a display case when no one else was around
  • As the crowds cheered uproariously and the judges scored the run, no one really questioned the fact that Shaun White just kept floating upward on that last jump
  • An unnamed but courageous Olympic athlete is bold enough to give the peace sign while on camera
  • After winning the gold in men's free skating, American Evan Lysacek raises the flag of the Czech Republic because he went there on vacation last year and had a really great time
  • U.S. men's cross-country ski team finishes ninth after losing interest and heading toward the ski-jump ramp
  • Over the course of two weeks, every male athlete at the games attempts to get into a playful snowball fight with Tanith Belbin
  • NHL commissioner Gary Bettman makes an appearance and asks organizers if he can have any leftover pucks
  • Chinese athletes turn in geometrically exact, technically precise performances in snowboarding events, proving that they can be heartless automatons at just about anything

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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