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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Highlights From The First Half Of The NFL Season

Surprising teams came up big, new stars emerged, and coaches were fired by the handful. Onion Sports looks at pro football so far:

After a poor first half of the season, Chad Ocho Cinco changes his name to Dale Swink and gets a job as a glass manufacturer

Kerry Collins exceeds everyone's expectations, as it was widely thought that he, not Vince Young, would be the first Titans quarterback to experience severe, crippling depression

With a respectable start this season, quarterback Kyle Orton shows that he represents the Bears' best chance at growing a beard

In an odd coaching move that echoes his controversial Super Bowl XXXII strategy, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren instructs his defense to just let opposing teams score during the first five weeks so they can get the ball back

Falcons rookie quarterback Matt Ryan adds a modern, intelligent touch to the game by bringing his laptop into every huddle

Brett Favre's continuing Hail Mary passes to the wrong team are vindicated by the fact that he currently plays for the wrong team

In an embarrassing moment for Lions fans, Dan Orlovsky runs out to the field to play quarterback

After the Philadelphia defense realizes its eighth sack of the game has killed Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger, the Eagles proceed to carry him around everywhere and pretend that he's alive

The press continues to go easy on Tom Brady, who has thrown for a disappointing 76 yards with no touchdowns all season

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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