Highlights From The First Half Of The NFL Season

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Highlights From The First Half Of The NFL Season

Surprising teams came up big, new stars emerged, and coaches were fired by the handful. Onion Sports looks at pro football so far:

After a poor first half of the season, Chad Ocho Cinco changes his name to Dale Swink and gets a job as a glass manufacturer

Kerry Collins exceeds everyone's expectations, as it was widely thought that he, not Vince Young, would be the first Titans quarterback to experience severe, crippling depression

With a respectable start this season, quarterback Kyle Orton shows that he represents the Bears' best chance at growing a beard

In an odd coaching move that echoes his controversial Super Bowl XXXII strategy, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren instructs his defense to just let opposing teams score during the first five weeks so they can get the ball back

Falcons rookie quarterback Matt Ryan adds a modern, intelligent touch to the game by bringing his laptop into every huddle

Brett Favre's continuing Hail Mary passes to the wrong team are vindicated by the fact that he currently plays for the wrong team

In an embarrassing moment for Lions fans, Dan Orlovsky runs out to the field to play quarterback

After the Philadelphia defense realizes its eighth sack of the game has killed Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger, the Eagles proceed to carry him around everywhere and pretend that he's alive

The press continues to go easy on Tom Brady, who has thrown for a disappointing 76 yards with no touchdowns all season


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