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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Highlights Of Ben Roethlisberger’s Wedding

Steelers quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger will marry Ashley Harlan this Saturday in what is already being touted as Pittsburgh's royal wedding. Here's what to expect:

  • Roethlisberger reads his vows off his wristband
  • Bride's family gives witness statements to police outside the church
  • All 500 guests are truly touched by the bride and groom and maid of honor’s first triple-kiss
  • Speech from the maid of honor basically a last-ditch plea for rational thought
  • First extramarital affair occurs two hours into the reception under table 17
  • Best man speech bombs, as it is just a horrifying account of groom's previous assaults
  • After the cake-cutting, everyone overhears Roethlisberger telling his new wife, “I want to smear this all over your tits”
  • An extremely awkward silence occurs when Steelers owner Dan Rooney insists there be at least one African-American woman in the crowd waiting to catch the bouquet

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