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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Highlights Of Ben Roethlisberger’s Wedding

Steelers quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger will marry Ashley Harlan this Saturday in what is already being touted as Pittsburgh's royal wedding. Here's what to expect:

  • Roethlisberger reads his vows off his wristband
  • Bride's family gives witness statements to police outside the church
  • All 500 guests are truly touched by the bride and groom and maid of honor’s first triple-kiss
  • Speech from the maid of honor basically a last-ditch plea for rational thought
  • First extramarital affair occurs two hours into the reception under table 17
  • Best man speech bombs, as it is just a horrifying account of groom's previous assaults
  • After the cake-cutting, everyone overhears Roethlisberger telling his new wife, “I want to smear this all over your tits”
  • An extremely awkward silence occurs when Steelers owner Dan Rooney insists there be at least one African-American woman in the crowd waiting to catch the bouquet

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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