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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Highlights Of Ben Roethlisberger’s Wedding

Steelers quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger will marry Ashley Harlan this Saturday in what is already being touted as Pittsburgh's royal wedding. Here's what to expect:

  • Roethlisberger reads his vows off his wristband
  • Bride's family gives witness statements to police outside the church
  • All 500 guests are truly touched by the bride and groom and maid of honor’s first triple-kiss
  • Speech from the maid of honor basically a last-ditch plea for rational thought
  • First extramarital affair occurs two hours into the reception under table 17
  • Best man speech bombs, as it is just a horrifying account of groom's previous assaults
  • After the cake-cutting, everyone overhears Roethlisberger telling his new wife, “I want to smear this all over your tits”
  • An extremely awkward silence occurs when Steelers owner Dan Rooney insists there be at least one African-American woman in the crowd waiting to catch the bouquet

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