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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Highlights Of Benedict XVI's Papacy

After nearly eight years heading the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will retire from the papacy on Thursday. Here are some of the most notable moments of Benedict’s service to the Church:

  • Aug. 22, 1981: Coins and popularizes the phrase “big man upstairs”
  • Mar. 14, 1993: After being promoted to bishop, an ambitious Joseph Ratzinger makes a number of shrewd diagonal moves in pursuit of the papacy
  • Apr. 20, 2005: One day after his election, Vatican observers report that it’s pretty obvious that the pope is not into this
  • Dec. 25, 2005: Benedict causes an uproar by wearing Prada shoes, a red cape, and nothing else to Christmas mass
  • Feb. 18, 2006: Benedict upholds longstanding Church doctrine barring horses from becoming priests
  • Nov. 30, 2006: The pope thinks he hears God’s voice, but it turns out to be the heat coming on
  • Mar. 14–Apr. 26, 2009: Hinduism phase
  • Nov. 10, 2011: A group of young archbishops learn tons of cool new curse words in Latin while watching Benedict tumble down a flight of stairs
  • Feb. 28, 2013: Turns in his badge and gun

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