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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Highlights Of Benedict XVI's Papacy

After nearly eight years heading the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will retire from the papacy on Thursday. Here are some of the most notable moments of Benedict’s service to the Church:

  • Aug. 22, 1981: Coins and popularizes the phrase “big man upstairs”
  • Mar. 14, 1993: After being promoted to bishop, an ambitious Joseph Ratzinger makes a number of shrewd diagonal moves in pursuit of the papacy
  • Apr. 20, 2005: One day after his election, Vatican observers report that it’s pretty obvious that the pope is not into this
  • Dec. 25, 2005: Benedict causes an uproar by wearing Prada shoes, a red cape, and nothing else to Christmas mass
  • Feb. 18, 2006: Benedict upholds longstanding Church doctrine barring horses from becoming priests
  • Nov. 30, 2006: The pope thinks he hears God’s voice, but it turns out to be the heat coming on
  • Mar. 14–Apr. 26, 2009: Hinduism phase
  • Nov. 10, 2011: A group of young archbishops learn tons of cool new curse words in Latin while watching Benedict tumble down a flight of stairs
  • Feb. 28, 2013: Turns in his badge and gun
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