adBlockCheck

Highlights Of Benedict XVI's Papacy

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Highlights Of Benedict XVI's Papacy

After nearly eight years heading the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will retire from the papacy on Thursday. Here are some of the most notable moments of Benedict’s service to the Church:

  • Aug. 22, 1981: Coins and popularizes the phrase “big man upstairs”
  • Mar. 14, 1993: After being promoted to bishop, an ambitious Joseph Ratzinger makes a number of shrewd diagonal moves in pursuit of the papacy
  • Apr. 20, 2005: One day after his election, Vatican observers report that it’s pretty obvious that the pope is not into this
  • Dec. 25, 2005: Benedict causes an uproar by wearing Prada shoes, a red cape, and nothing else to Christmas mass
  • Feb. 18, 2006: Benedict upholds longstanding Church doctrine barring horses from becoming priests
  • Nov. 30, 2006: The pope thinks he hears God’s voice, but it turns out to be the heat coming on
  • Mar. 14–Apr. 26, 2009: Hinduism phase
  • Nov. 10, 2011: A group of young archbishops learn tons of cool new curse words in Latin while watching Benedict tumble down a flight of stairs
  • Feb. 28, 2013: Turns in his badge and gun

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close