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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Highlights Of George Steinbrenner's Reign

His legacy is a strange mixture of winning baseball and strained relationships, but there's no denying George Steinbrenner was a colorful and remarkable man. We remember his defining moments.

  • 1973: Within the first months of Steinbrenner's ownership, Yankees manager Ralph Houk is overwhelmed by an inexplicable desire to resign
  • 1975: Steinbrenner fires Billy Martin 16 times during the job interview
  • 1983: Though Dave Righetti pitches a no-hitter against the Red Sox for Steinbrenner's 52nd birthday, the Yankees owner is upset because he really wanted the new Eurythmics album
  • 1985: In a special ceremony at Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner presents manager Yogi Berra with an oversized pink slip
  • 1989: The modern era of the Republican Party is entirely encapsulated in one pen stroke as Ronald Reagan pardons George Steinbrenner for his illegal contributions to the Richard Nixon campaign
  • 1990: The Yankees reach an agreement to pay a stipend to Major League Baseball in exchange for allowing Steinbrenner to say whatever the hell he wants
  • 2004: Pretty much acts like a cock the entire year
  • 2009: Steinbrenner's fading health becomes impossible to ignore as he asks his nurse over and over if she has found any dirt on Dave Winfield yet
  • 2010: With his dying breath, Steinbrenner encourages his sons to charge fans by the inning

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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