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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Highlights Of George Steinbrenner's Reign

His legacy is a strange mixture of winning baseball and strained relationships, but there's no denying George Steinbrenner was a colorful and remarkable man. We remember his defining moments.

  • 1973: Within the first months of Steinbrenner's ownership, Yankees manager Ralph Houk is overwhelmed by an inexplicable desire to resign
  • 1975: Steinbrenner fires Billy Martin 16 times during the job interview
  • 1983: Though Dave Righetti pitches a no-hitter against the Red Sox for Steinbrenner's 52nd birthday, the Yankees owner is upset because he really wanted the new Eurythmics album
  • 1985: In a special ceremony at Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner presents manager Yogi Berra with an oversized pink slip
  • 1989: The modern era of the Republican Party is entirely encapsulated in one pen stroke as Ronald Reagan pardons George Steinbrenner for his illegal contributions to the Richard Nixon campaign
  • 1990: The Yankees reach an agreement to pay a stipend to Major League Baseball in exchange for allowing Steinbrenner to say whatever the hell he wants
  • 2004: Pretty much acts like a cock the entire year
  • 2009: Steinbrenner's fading health becomes impossible to ignore as he asks his nurse over and over if she has found any dirt on Dave Winfield yet
  • 2010: With his dying breath, Steinbrenner encourages his sons to charge fans by the inning

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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