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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Highlights Of Last Night’s Oscars

The 86th Academy Awards were held last night at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. Here are the most memorable moments from Hollywood’s biggest night:

  • U2 delivers a touching performance of their ballad “Cuckoo Caveman Conga” from The Croods
  • Best Actress winner Cate Blanchett thanks fellow nominee Amy Adams’ husband and children for their constant love and support
  • Eight are injured in a powerful blast created by two Oscar statuettes accidentally touching
  • Your grandmother makes no effort to hide her surprise at how well-spoken Lupita Nyong’o is
  • Seatback screens let attendees watch two movies of their choice during the presentation
  • Touching “In Memoriam” tribute includes tear-jerking images of movie theaters closed in past year
  • All winners are allotted 25 seconds to reach stage before award goes to runner-up
  • Clumsy cutie Jennifer Lawrence continues her charm offensive by falling down a flight of stairs and slicing her head wide open on a steel beam. Go J-Law!
  • Winners receive trophies with their own faces engraved into the statuettes’ heads
  • Proving that she’s a talent in her own right, a magnetic Jessica Biel steps out from Justin Timberlake’s shadow with rousing rendition of “You’re A Grand Old Flag”
  • Steve McQueen forced to deliver moving acceptance speech via text message from bold and versatile Samsung Galaxy Note 3

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