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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Highlights Of Last Night’s Oscars

The 86th Academy Awards were held last night at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. Here are the most memorable moments from Hollywood’s biggest night:

  • U2 delivers a touching performance of their ballad “Cuckoo Caveman Conga” from The Croods
  • Best Actress winner Cate Blanchett thanks fellow nominee Amy Adams’ husband and children for their constant love and support
  • Eight are injured in a powerful blast created by two Oscar statuettes accidentally touching
  • Your grandmother makes no effort to hide her surprise at how well-spoken Lupita Nyong’o is
  • Seatback screens let attendees watch two movies of their choice during the presentation
  • Touching “In Memoriam” tribute includes tear-jerking images of movie theaters closed in past year
  • All winners are allotted 25 seconds to reach stage before award goes to runner-up
  • Clumsy cutie Jennifer Lawrence continues her charm offensive by falling down a flight of stairs and slicing her head wide open on a steel beam. Go J-Law!
  • Winners receive trophies with their own faces engraved into the statuettes’ heads
  • Proving that she’s a talent in her own right, a magnetic Jessica Biel steps out from Justin Timberlake’s shadow with rousing rendition of “You’re A Grand Old Flag”
  • Steve McQueen forced to deliver moving acceptance speech via text message from bold and versatile Samsung Galaxy Note 3

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