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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Highlights Of Last Night’s Oscars

The 86th Academy Awards were held last night at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. Here are the most memorable moments from Hollywood’s biggest night:

  • U2 delivers a touching performance of their ballad “Cuckoo Caveman Conga” from The Croods
  • Best Actress winner Cate Blanchett thanks fellow nominee Amy Adams’ husband and children for their constant love and support
  • Eight are injured in a powerful blast created by two Oscar statuettes accidentally touching
  • Your grandmother makes no effort to hide her surprise at how well-spoken Lupita Nyong’o is
  • Seatback screens let attendees watch two movies of their choice during the presentation
  • Touching “In Memoriam” tribute includes tear-jerking images of movie theaters closed in past year
  • All winners are allotted 25 seconds to reach stage before award goes to runner-up
  • Clumsy cutie Jennifer Lawrence continues her charm offensive by falling down a flight of stairs and slicing her head wide open on a steel beam. Go J-Law!
  • Winners receive trophies with their own faces engraved into the statuettes’ heads
  • Proving that she’s a talent in her own right, a magnetic Jessica Biel steps out from Justin Timberlake’s shadow with rousing rendition of “You’re A Grand Old Flag”
  • Steve McQueen forced to deliver moving acceptance speech via text message from bold and versatile Samsung Galaxy Note 3
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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