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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Highlights Of Mariano Rivera’s Career

With the 43-year-old Yankees relief pitcher retiring, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from Mariano Rivera’s 19 seasons in the MLB.

  • 1995: Promoted to big leagues after two years as George Steinbrenner’s valet
  • 1997: Records first strikeout
  • 1999: Walks out to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” for the first time after his original entrance song choice of “Meat Hook Sodomy” by Cannibal Corpse is rejected by Yankees management
  • 1999: Famously calls his shot in Game 3 of the World Series, pointing directly to home plate before delivering a perfect strike
  • 2002: Closes out David Wells’ bar tab and drives him home a record 26 times in one season
  • 2003: Really starts to get into baseball
  • 2004: By blowing Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, allows the Red Sox to go on to win World Series and thus remove any sympathy or solace baseball fans had for Boston
  • 2005: Called before Congress to laugh at all the guys on steroids he struck out
  • 2006: Got a bunch of strikes on a pretty windy day
  • 2010: Throws behind Yogi Berra’s head during annual Old Timer’s Day
  • 2012: Pretty impressed after looking at his career stats for first time
  • 2013: Enters retirement with the most dignity possible for a member of the New York Yankees

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