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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Highlights Of Mariano Rivera’s Career

With the 43-year-old Yankees relief pitcher retiring, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from Mariano Rivera’s 19 seasons in the MLB.

  • 1995: Promoted to big leagues after two years as George Steinbrenner’s valet
  • 1997: Records first strikeout
  • 1999: Walks out to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” for the first time after his original entrance song choice of “Meat Hook Sodomy” by Cannibal Corpse is rejected by Yankees management
  • 1999: Famously calls his shot in Game 3 of the World Series, pointing directly to home plate before delivering a perfect strike
  • 2002: Closes out David Wells’ bar tab and drives him home a record 26 times in one season
  • 2003: Really starts to get into baseball
  • 2004: By blowing Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, allows the Red Sox to go on to win World Series and thus remove any sympathy or solace baseball fans had for Boston
  • 2005: Called before Congress to laugh at all the guys on steroids he struck out
  • 2006: Got a bunch of strikes on a pretty windy day
  • 2010: Throws behind Yogi Berra’s head during annual Old Timer’s Day
  • 2012: Pretty impressed after looking at his career stats for first time
  • 2013: Enters retirement with the most dignity possible for a member of the New York Yankees

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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