adBlockCheck

Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
End Of Section
  • More News

Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations

President Barack Obama spoke in front of the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday. Here are some prominent moments from the president’s address:

  • Begins speech by saying, “It’d be one heck of a relief if the United States didn’t have to be such close allies with Israel. Hi, I’m Barack Obama.”
  • Keeps calling it “Invited Nations”
  • Insists that America is exceptional, but only because it’s an objectively better and more important country than others
  • Gently ribs Sudanese delegate Daffa-Allah Elhag Ali Osman about ongoing genocide
  • Addresses General Assembly in flawless English
  • Takes listeners on a journey of the mind to exotic faraway land of the Middle East
  • Quickly runs through recent White House staff promotions
  • Long overdue admission that the United States overthrew Iran’s former regime, killed Ché Guevara, and staged September 11
  • Announces raffle winners
  • Keeps referring to U.S. in past tense
  • Just kind of trails off at end

More from this section

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close