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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations

President Barack Obama spoke in front of the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday. Here are some prominent moments from the president’s address:

  • Begins speech by saying, “It’d be one heck of a relief if the United States didn’t have to be such close allies with Israel. Hi, I’m Barack Obama.”
  • Keeps calling it “Invited Nations”
  • Insists that America is exceptional, but only because it’s an objectively better and more important country than others
  • Gently ribs Sudanese delegate Daffa-Allah Elhag Ali Osman about ongoing genocide
  • Addresses General Assembly in flawless English
  • Takes listeners on a journey of the mind to exotic faraway land of the Middle East
  • Quickly runs through recent White House staff promotions
  • Long overdue admission that the United States overthrew Iran’s former regime, killed Ché Guevara, and staged September 11
  • Announces raffle winners
  • Keeps referring to U.S. in past tense
  • Just kind of trails off at end

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