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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Highlights Of Past South By Southwest Festivals

A surprise show by the Flaming Lips in 2006 has been hailed as one of the top music-festival highlights of all time. Here are some other SXSW moments that have made history:

  • 1989: Some jackass comes up with the idea of having legendary musicians deliver keynote addresses rather than thrill and delight people with their actual talents
  • 1991: Founders of the original 1987 South by Southwest feel old for first time
  • 1996: Festival organizers are thrilled by the turnout after having a weird feeling leading up to it that no one liked music anymore
  • 1998: The stars of You've Got Mail are booed off the stage at both SXSW's Film and Interactive festivals
  • 2000: The 1 millionth person officially hears from a friend who went to the festival that Austin is awesome, and totally not what you'd expect Texas to be like
  • 2003: The Brown Bunny premiers at SXSW; audience refuses to discuss anything but how amazing cinematography is
  • 2005: The term "mumblecore" is coined to describe boring, poorly made movies
  • 2006: Laurie Anderson sings Britney Spears' megahit "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" into a vocoder, dedicating it to "those hit hardest by Hurricane Katrina"
  • 2006: Twitter launches with the infamous first tweet from company founder Jack Dorsey: "What hath God wrought? #toughquestions"
  • 2009: Foursquare debuts, prompting bitter animosity and eventually physical altercations as thousands of nerds vie to become mayor of SXSW

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