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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Highlights Of Past South By Southwest Festivals

A surprise show by the Flaming Lips in 2006 has been hailed as one of the top music-festival highlights of all time. Here are some other SXSW moments that have made history:

  • 1989: Some jackass comes up with the idea of having legendary musicians deliver keynote addresses rather than thrill and delight people with their actual talents
  • 1991: Founders of the original 1987 South by Southwest feel old for first time
  • 1996: Festival organizers are thrilled by the turnout after having a weird feeling leading up to it that no one liked music anymore
  • 1998: The stars of You've Got Mail are booed off the stage at both SXSW's Film and Interactive festivals
  • 2000: The 1 millionth person officially hears from a friend who went to the festival that Austin is awesome, and totally not what you'd expect Texas to be like
  • 2003: The Brown Bunny premiers at SXSW; audience refuses to discuss anything but how amazing cinematography is
  • 2005: The term "mumblecore" is coined to describe boring, poorly made movies
  • 2006: Laurie Anderson sings Britney Spears' megahit "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" into a vocoder, dedicating it to "those hit hardest by Hurricane Katrina"
  • 2006: Twitter launches with the infamous first tweet from company founder Jack Dorsey: "What hath God wrought? #toughquestions"
  • 2009: Foursquare debuts, prompting bitter animosity and eventually physical altercations as thousands of nerds vie to become mayor of SXSW
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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