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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Highlights Of Past South By Southwest Festivals

A surprise show by the Flaming Lips in 2006 has been hailed as one of the top music-festival highlights of all time. Here are some other SXSW moments that have made history:

  • 1989: Some jackass comes up with the idea of having legendary musicians deliver keynote addresses rather than thrill and delight people with their actual talents
  • 1991: Founders of the original 1987 South by Southwest feel old for first time
  • 1996: Festival organizers are thrilled by the turnout after having a weird feeling leading up to it that no one liked music anymore
  • 1998: The stars of You've Got Mail are booed off the stage at both SXSW's Film and Interactive festivals
  • 2000: The 1 millionth person officially hears from a friend who went to the festival that Austin is awesome, and totally not what you'd expect Texas to be like
  • 2003: The Brown Bunny premiers at SXSW; audience refuses to discuss anything but how amazing cinematography is
  • 2005: The term "mumblecore" is coined to describe boring, poorly made movies
  • 2006: Laurie Anderson sings Britney Spears' megahit "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" into a vocoder, dedicating it to "those hit hardest by Hurricane Katrina"
  • 2006: Twitter launches with the infamous first tweet from company founder Jack Dorsey: "What hath God wrought? #toughquestions"
  • 2009: Foursquare debuts, prompting bitter animosity and eventually physical altercations as thousands of nerds vie to become mayor of SXSW

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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