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Highlights Of President Obama's Inauguration

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Highlights Of President Obama's Inauguration

Barack Obama was sworn in for a second term as president of the United States Monday, amid a day of pomp, parades, and performances in Washington, D.C. Here are some of the highlights of the daylong festivities:

  • 12:00 a.m.–11:59 p.m.: Secret Service freaking out
  • 8:42 a.m.: First of many decisions by an onlooker to just go, right here, rather than lose his spot
  • 9:58 a.m.: Half-shaved Obama tears down White House stairs after having slept through alarm
  • 10:21 a.m.: Mitt Romney lets out a momentary sigh in between pulling up his first and second pant leg
  • 11:15 a.m.: Vice President Biden sworn in on 1991 Playboy featuring the Barbi Twins
  • 12:30 p.m.: Tank filled to brim with stew is rolled out for all in attendance
  • 1:30 p.m.: Presidential dog, Bo, barks national anthem
  • 2:11 p.m.: Obama jumps on trampoline, dunks Bible through hoop with red, white, and blue net
  • 5:18 p.m.: Vice President Biden’s blackout begins

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