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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Highlights Of President Obama's Inauguration

Barack Obama was sworn in for a second term as president of the United States Monday, amid a day of pomp, parades, and performances in Washington, D.C. Here are some of the highlights of the daylong festivities:

  • 12:00 a.m.–11:59 p.m.: Secret Service freaking out
  • 8:42 a.m.: First of many decisions by an onlooker to just go, right here, rather than lose his spot
  • 9:58 a.m.: Half-shaved Obama tears down White House stairs after having slept through alarm
  • 10:21 a.m.: Mitt Romney lets out a momentary sigh in between pulling up his first and second pant leg
  • 11:15 a.m.: Vice President Biden sworn in on 1991 Playboy featuring the Barbi Twins
  • 12:30 p.m.: Tank filled to brim with stew is rolled out for all in attendance
  • 1:30 p.m.: Presidential dog, Bo, barks national anthem
  • 2:11 p.m.: Obama jumps on trampoline, dunks Bible through hoop with red, white, and blue net
  • 5:18 p.m.: Vice President Biden’s blackout begins

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