Highlights Of Sports Victory Parades

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Highlights Of Sports Victory Parades

1908: Chicago Cubs parade is notable for its low fan turnout, the team having already won a World Series title the year before

1946: Following a narrow defeat of the Axis, 13,000 starters for the 82nd Airborne Division proceed down Fifth Avenue in Manhattan before a throng of screaming fans of America

1982: Despite narrowly losing the Super Bowl to the San Francisco 49ers, the Cincinnati Bengals decide to go through with their parade celebration, because why the hell not

1991: Following his PGA Championship victory, an inebriated John Daly embarks on an impromptu parade celebration from the parking lot of Scully’s Tavern to the glass storefront of a nearby Walgreens

1994: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones informs Jimmy Johnson he is fired

1996: Every player on the NBA Championship–winning Chicago Bulls has an unlit cigar in his mouth and looks super badass

2001: Patriots quarterback Tom Brady spends entirety of parade with both hands on head, shaking it out of disbelief in slow-motion

2003: The budget-conscious Florida Marlins spend a couple of hours waving from a rental van circling downtown Miami

2007: The Super Bowl–winning New York Giants roll through the streets of Manhattan to the jubilant cheers of millions of fans from New Jersey

2009: The Pittsburgh Penguins are forced to reroute their Stanley Cup parade in order to search for a concussed and aloof Sidney Crosby

2011: The Dallas Mavericks are greeted by wild celebrations from roughly 300 million people during a cross-country victory parade after beating the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals

2014: Only 143 Brazilians are trampled to death in Rio de Janeiro during post–World Cup victory celebrations


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