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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Highlights Of Sports Victory Parades

1908: Chicago Cubs parade is notable for its low fan turnout, the team having already won a World Series title the year before

1946: Following a narrow defeat of the Axis, 13,000 starters for the 82nd Airborne Division proceed down Fifth Avenue in Manhattan before a throng of screaming fans of America

1982: Despite narrowly losing the Super Bowl to the San Francisco 49ers, the Cincinnati Bengals decide to go through with their parade celebration, because why the hell not

1991: Following his PGA Championship victory, an inebriated John Daly embarks on an impromptu parade celebration from the parking lot of Scully’s Tavern to the glass storefront of a nearby Walgreens

1994: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones informs Jimmy Johnson he is fired

1996: Every player on the NBA Championship–winning Chicago Bulls has an unlit cigar in his mouth and looks super badass

2001: Patriots quarterback Tom Brady spends entirety of parade with both hands on head, shaking it out of disbelief in slow-motion

2003: The budget-conscious Florida Marlins spend a couple of hours waving from a rental van circling downtown Miami

2007: The Super Bowl–winning New York Giants roll through the streets of Manhattan to the jubilant cheers of millions of fans from New Jersey

2009: The Pittsburgh Penguins are forced to reroute their Stanley Cup parade in order to search for a concussed and aloof Sidney Crosby

2011: The Dallas Mavericks are greeted by wild celebrations from roughly 300 million people during a cross-country victory parade after beating the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals

2014: Only 143 Brazilians are trampled to death in Rio de Janeiro during post–World Cup victory celebrations

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