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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Highlights Of Sports Victory Parades

1908: Chicago Cubs parade is notable for its low fan turnout, the team having already won a World Series title the year before

1946: Following a narrow defeat of the Axis, 13,000 starters for the 82nd Airborne Division proceed down Fifth Avenue in Manhattan before a throng of screaming fans of America

1982: Despite narrowly losing the Super Bowl to the San Francisco 49ers, the Cincinnati Bengals decide to go through with their parade celebration, because why the hell not

1991: Following his PGA Championship victory, an inebriated John Daly embarks on an impromptu parade celebration from the parking lot of Scully’s Tavern to the glass storefront of a nearby Walgreens

1994: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones informs Jimmy Johnson he is fired

1996: Every player on the NBA Championship–winning Chicago Bulls has an unlit cigar in his mouth and looks super badass

2001: Patriots quarterback Tom Brady spends entirety of parade with both hands on head, shaking it out of disbelief in slow-motion

2003: The budget-conscious Florida Marlins spend a couple of hours waving from a rental van circling downtown Miami

2007: The Super Bowl–winning New York Giants roll through the streets of Manhattan to the jubilant cheers of millions of fans from New Jersey

2009: The Pittsburgh Penguins are forced to reroute their Stanley Cup parade in order to search for a concussed and aloof Sidney Crosby

2011: The Dallas Mavericks are greeted by wild celebrations from roughly 300 million people during a cross-country victory parade after beating the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals

2014: Only 143 Brazilians are trampled to death in Rio de Janeiro during post–World Cup victory celebrations

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