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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Highlights Of The 2007 U.S. Open

With the power invested in him as honorary tournament chairman, Arnold Palmer declares himself the winner of the 2007 U.S. Open

After missing his first putt on the practice green, David Duval packs up and leaves

Roger Federer shows up ready to go; leaves half an hour later feeling like a complete asshole

Meanwhile, as his peers play in the sport's greatest championship, John Daly is reduced to playing golf against a trained horse in Nashville for beer money and cigarettes

Gallery applauds Oakmont Golf Course for being so entertainingly difficult to golf on

After spraining his wrist hitting out of Oakmont's rough in a practice round, Phil Mickelson snaps his spinal cord after attempting to hit out of a sand trap

Tiger Woods' bright red shirt allows TV viewers to easily recognize him

Vijay Singh shoots grumpiest 14-over in U.S. Open history 

Top-notch coverage and insightful post-game interviews reveal that Woods and Cabrera were unhappy and happy, respectively, with the outcome of the tournament

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