Highlights Of The 2010 World Cup

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Highlights Of The 2010 World Cup

The World Cup is over, Spain has been crowned champion, and we reflect on what made the whole tournament worthwhile.

  • Despite a 0-0 draw between Uruguay and France in the group stage, captivated fans across the world took delight in all the amazing plays that almost happened
  • Portugal scores 7 goals against North Korea after the goalkeeper makes a break for it, dashes into the crowd, runs up the stairs, and jumps over the side of the stadium
  • After taking an early 1-0 lead over Nigeria, Argentina beautifully milks the clock by taking 85 minutes to throw in the ball
  • Just when it seems the U.S. will once again disappoint in the World Cup, Landon Donovan scores a game-winning goal in extra time to ensure the U.S. won't disappoint until the next round
  • World Cup refereeing is heralded as a triumph of heartwarming human bumbling over the cold, unfeeling precision of error-free replay technology, reminding fans what sport is all about
  • The French squad's petulant infighting provides the world with a life-affirming reinforcement of national stereotypes
  • Although Spain's Xabi Alonso manages to walk off his cleats-to-the-chest injury in the final, his teammate is carried off the field after kicking himself in the foot to draw a penalty
  • The unrelenting, exasperating noise emanating from soccer crowds is finally drowned out, thanks to some cheap plastic horns


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