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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Highlights of the Consumer Electronics Show

The 2010 Consumer Electronics Show took place last week in Las Vegas. Here are some of the must-have gadgets rolled out by the big manufacturers:

  • Panasonic—Alarm Fax 2000: Never be late again with the help of this machine, which sends you a fax with a rousing wake-up message of your choosing
  • Texas Instruments—TI-101 Graphing Bassoon: This powerful, user-friendly calculator-meets-sonorous-woodwind is perfect for the multitasking high school student
  • Amazon—Kindle LE: For users nostalgic for paper, this e-book reader signals a logging crew to cut down 10 trees for every book purchased with the device
  • iTunes—"Taylor Swift Breathes": Using nanotechnology, this new MP3 enables you to feel Taylor Swift's hot breath on your neck as she sings
  • Radioshack—Big Sack of Adapters: The right one is probably in there somewhere
  • Carl's Jr.—Stent Burger: This new menu item contains a small "smart stent" that implants itself in the heart and opens blocked arteries following consumption of the burger
  • Bose—Noise-Postponing Headphones: Using Bose's patented SoundDelay technology, these headphones store ambient distractions for up to six hours before unleashing them all at once against the wearer's eardrums.
  • Ford Motor Company—The Ford Fiesta: This new tech- heavy update to the longtime model comes with the Sync system, which allows drivers to customize their dash display, synchronize their iPhone, update their social networking site, and have their corpse embalmed when they hit a tree while taking advantage of the car's functionality.

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