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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Highlights of the Consumer Electronics Show

The 2010 Consumer Electronics Show took place last week in Las Vegas. Here are some of the must-have gadgets rolled out by the big manufacturers:

  • Panasonic—Alarm Fax 2000: Never be late again with the help of this machine, which sends you a fax with a rousing wake-up message of your choosing
  • Texas Instruments—TI-101 Graphing Bassoon: This powerful, user-friendly calculator-meets-sonorous-woodwind is perfect for the multitasking high school student
  • Amazon—Kindle LE: For users nostalgic for paper, this e-book reader signals a logging crew to cut down 10 trees for every book purchased with the device
  • iTunes—"Taylor Swift Breathes": Using nanotechnology, this new MP3 enables you to feel Taylor Swift's hot breath on your neck as she sings
  • Radioshack—Big Sack of Adapters: The right one is probably in there somewhere
  • Carl's Jr.—Stent Burger: This new menu item contains a small "smart stent" that implants itself in the heart and opens blocked arteries following consumption of the burger
  • Bose—Noise-Postponing Headphones: Using Bose's patented SoundDelay technology, these headphones store ambient distractions for up to six hours before unleashing them all at once against the wearer's eardrums.
  • Ford Motor Company—The Ford Fiesta: This new tech- heavy update to the longtime model comes with the Sync system, which allows drivers to customize their dash display, synchronize their iPhone, update their social networking site, and have their corpse embalmed when they hit a tree while taking advantage of the car's functionality.

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