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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Highlights of the Consumer Electronics Show

The 2010 Consumer Electronics Show took place last week in Las Vegas. Here are some of the must-have gadgets rolled out by the big manufacturers:

  • Panasonic—Alarm Fax 2000: Never be late again with the help of this machine, which sends you a fax with a rousing wake-up message of your choosing
  • Texas Instruments—TI-101 Graphing Bassoon: This powerful, user-friendly calculator-meets-sonorous-woodwind is perfect for the multitasking high school student
  • Amazon—Kindle LE: For users nostalgic for paper, this e-book reader signals a logging crew to cut down 10 trees for every book purchased with the device
  • iTunes—"Taylor Swift Breathes": Using nanotechnology, this new MP3 enables you to feel Taylor Swift's hot breath on your neck as she sings
  • Radioshack—Big Sack of Adapters: The right one is probably in there somewhere
  • Carl's Jr.—Stent Burger: This new menu item contains a small "smart stent" that implants itself in the heart and opens blocked arteries following consumption of the burger
  • Bose—Noise-Postponing Headphones: Using Bose's patented SoundDelay technology, these headphones store ambient distractions for up to six hours before unleashing them all at once against the wearer's eardrums.
  • Ford Motor Company—The Ford Fiesta: This new tech- heavy update to the longtime model comes with the Sync system, which allows drivers to customize their dash display, synchronize their iPhone, update their social networking site, and have their corpse embalmed when they hit a tree while taking advantage of the car's functionality.
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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