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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Highlights Of The Curiosity Rover’s First Year On Mars

One year ago, NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars. The Onion looks back on some memorable moments of the robotic craft’s first year on the Red Planet:

  • August 9, 2012: Exclaims “I can’t believe my sensors” to empty planet
  • September 28, 2012: Gives controversial candid interview to Esquire in which it claimed Sojourner, not Opportunity, was the greatest rover of all time
  • November 12, 2012: Finds big empty plain and just does donuts for four hours straight
  • November 23, 2012: Transmits baffling message to earth that translates to “Sad. Sad. Sad.” repeated 3 million times
  • January 13, 2013: Finally achieves clarity after a rough breakup with Mars Science Laboratory’s deputy project scientist Joy Crisp
  • February 10-24, 2013: Spends relaxing two-week vacation on Venus
  • March 6, 2013: Freaks out after accidentally breaking really expensive spectrometer
  • March 12–June 3, 2013: Fourteen separate suicide attempts
  • June 21, 2013: Finds set of footprints from when Jesus was carrying it across planet
  • August 6, 2013: Sadly celebrates one-year anniversary of mission with Martian rock
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