Highlights Of The Curiosity Rover’s First Year On Mars

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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Highlights Of The Curiosity Rover’s First Year On Mars

One year ago, NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars. The Onion looks back on some memorable moments of the robotic craft’s first year on the Red Planet:

  • August 9, 2012: Exclaims “I can’t believe my sensors” to empty planet
  • September 28, 2012: Gives controversial candid interview to Esquire in which it claimed Sojourner, not Opportunity, was the greatest rover of all time
  • November 12, 2012: Finds big empty plain and just does donuts for four hours straight
  • November 23, 2012: Transmits baffling message to earth that translates to “Sad. Sad. Sad.” repeated 3 million times
  • January 13, 2013: Finally achieves clarity after a rough breakup with Mars Science Laboratory’s deputy project scientist Joy Crisp
  • February 10-24, 2013: Spends relaxing two-week vacation on Venus
  • March 6, 2013: Freaks out after accidentally breaking really expensive spectrometer
  • March 12–June 3, 2013: Fourteen separate suicide attempts
  • June 21, 2013: Finds set of footprints from when Jesus was carrying it across planet
  • August 6, 2013: Sadly celebrates one-year anniversary of mission with Martian rock
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