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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Highlights Of The Curiosity Rover’s First Year On Mars

One year ago, NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars. The Onion looks back on some memorable moments of the robotic craft’s first year on the Red Planet:

  • August 9, 2012: Exclaims “I can’t believe my sensors” to empty planet
  • September 28, 2012: Gives controversial candid interview to Esquire in which it claimed Sojourner, not Opportunity, was the greatest rover of all time
  • November 12, 2012: Finds big empty plain and just does donuts for four hours straight
  • November 23, 2012: Transmits baffling message to earth that translates to “Sad. Sad. Sad.” repeated 3 million times
  • January 13, 2013: Finally achieves clarity after a rough breakup with Mars Science Laboratory’s deputy project scientist Joy Crisp
  • February 10-24, 2013: Spends relaxing two-week vacation on Venus
  • March 6, 2013: Freaks out after accidentally breaking really expensive spectrometer
  • March 12–June 3, 2013: Fourteen separate suicide attempts
  • June 21, 2013: Finds set of footprints from when Jesus was carrying it across planet
  • August 6, 2013: Sadly celebrates one-year anniversary of mission with Martian rock

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